6 Ways To Rediscover Your Confidence
You're not alone if you feel your sizzle is more fizzle these days. Here is how to give yourself a boost of confidence
Like running water, friends, and MRT trains, self-confidence is one of those things that you take for granted until it is gone. At which point, it can badly affect your lifestyle and health. "When we talk about self-confidence we are really talking about self-esteem. It is knowing that you are good enough," says psychotherapist Diane Young. As we slowly emerge from two years of the pandemic, you may have noticed you have less confidence in yourself. Perhaps you feel less interest in moving outside your comfort zone. Maybe you just feel blah? Or you are worried about the future?
During the last two years, you have probably experienced isolation at home plus extra pressure at work and at home. Maybe you also experienced a job loss, financial worries or ill health. We have all faced a lot during the last few years. So you are not alone if you feel less confident now. Perhaps you are overthinking what might go wrong? Or do you fear you cannot cope? These are all signs that your confidence has taken a hit. "Our inner thoughts about ourselves deeply impact our physical and emotional wellbeing, " says Diane.
Fortunately, you can get your confidence back. And here is why it is worth the effort - confidence is not just a warm and fuzzy feeling of happiness, confidence is a vital part of resilience. Confidence gives you the power to take good risks, like making much-needed changes to your life. So it is time to spread your wings again;
It's the chicken and egg situation - we need meaningful connections with other people to feel confident. Yet we need confidence to go out and connect meaningfully with people.
"Connection plays a huge role in mental health and developing confidence," says psychologist David Godden. "Humans are social creatures. We are not meant to be alone all the time. We need to have a purpose, and part of that is having places to be and people to see."
While it may seem overwhelming at first, David says that reconnecting with friends is important. Reach out and make plans to catch up. "The best thing to do is to start small. Organize a coffee or a walk with a friend. once a week. Having a commitment to them will help you feel more positive." You can also join a club, take up some classes or try volunteering. The website Volunteer.gov.sg curates opportunities for volunteering all over Singapore, so you can find a cause you care about.
"Such activities can boost your confidence because you feel part of something and you are recognized by others," says David. " But remember to take one step at a time. Do not organise so many appointments that you get overwhelmed."
Sel-reflection is a good foundation for rebuilding confidence. Take time to ask yourself: What did I learn from this period? What strengths have I gained? What can I let go of? Doing this helps you reassess what's important to you. It helps you recognize your past achievements and your "value-driven goals" - these are the goals in your life that match your values.
"Self-reflection helps you recognize your values, and identify value-driven goals and activities that bring you joy," advises psychologist Dr Jodie Lowinger. She is the author of the book The Mind Strength Method: Four Steps To Curb Anxiety, Conquer Worry, And Build Resilience. "For example, if you value friendship, you can ask yourself. 'Why am I maintaining certain friendships? Am I connecting with people who treat me with the respect and kindness I need? You can choose to reconnect with people you like and let go of other people." she points out that sometimes we stay connected to people not because we like them - but because we fear letting them go.
Value-driven goals can help you stay on track and give you confidence that you are living life true to yourself. Other value-driven goals may be saving for a holiday, committing to healthier habits, or changing your job so you can spend more time with your kids.
Body image is almost always a challenge for women - and the pandemic has not done much to help. Many women put on weight during the pandemic, so self-compassion is more important than ever. "Self-compassion means letting go of the judgments you hold about yourself, your body, and your moods. Just acknowledge your feelings and be caring towards yourself" says Shreen El Masry, a personal fitness trainer who trains people of all sizes. "Practicing self-compassion means you experience less body shame. You stop comparing yourself to others. Your self-worth is not all about your body image."
Shreen suggests an easy way to practice self-compassion about your body. Next time you see yourself in the mirror and you want to make a nasty remark, ask yourself, "Would I say this to a person I loved? If my child was saying this about their body, what would I say to them? You would probably say kind words of encouragement instead. Try saying those same words to yourself."
It's easy to give in to negative chatter in your head. But a little internal coaching can help quieten this voice. Start by recognizing negative thoughts and ask yourself - is this useful? Or is it not useful?
Say you mess up a deadline at work and start worrying "Why am I failing at everything?" Before you go into a negative spin, ask yourself if you really are failing at everything? Probably not. Maybe you have successfully juggled multiple projects recently. Maybe you are an excellent parent.
Dr Lowinger says, "Recognise that negative talk is unhelpful. Bring your focus back to self-kindness and compassion. You do have a choice." She adds that it also helps to practice gratitude. "Try to start or end your day with one positive thing, or one thing you are grateful for."
A study conducted by Yale researchers found that challenging your brain by stepping out of your comfort zone can boost your happiness. But facing your fears and overcoming obstacles is not always easy. "Try to think about some activities you want to do. Rate them from one to 100 for discomfort or fear" says Dr Lowinger. "Start by doing things that are around 10-20 on this scale. You will gradually expand your comfort zone."
Moving out of your comfort zone may be as simple as trying a new coffee shop, or taking a new ro0ute to work, or as complicated as learning to dance or ride a bicycle. You don't need to put too much pressure on yourself or have unrealistic expectations - and accept that "failure" is part of the process of growing. No one can learn something new instantly. if you feel down, remind yourself that you are daring to take risks. You are daring to make necessary changes to the status quo - and you can be very proud of that!
Your feelings may change daily as you get used to the new normal. So try not to compare yourself to others. Says David Godden, "Our mind naturally struggles with the unknown and not having control. But thinking too far forward opens up so many unanswered questions. If you take things one day at a time you will find it easier to embrace good days, and cope with not-so-good days."
David suggests using relaxation techniques into your day to help reduce anxiety. You can try yoga or tai chi, go for a walk or download meditation or mindfulness apps.
It also helps to make sure you include things in your life that spark joy, contentment and love. Think of things that instantly lift your mood and aim to do at least one of them every day.
Here are some ideas to get you started;
Listen to your favourite songs and dance around the house.
Do some joyful movement - try a hula hoop, a nature walk or cycling
Go on an adventure. Visit a new place this weekend or explore a different street.
Organize a fun active date with friends and family, such as going bowling or bounce on a trampoline.
Get creative. Paint, sew, knit, draw, plant some potted plants, or make something for your home. If you are stuck for ideas, local lifestyle concierge, Native, has launched a series of experiences for couples, individuals, family and friends to try.By Jo Hartley for Bauer Syndication/Are Media. Additional reporting by Tara Barker.