Are You Surrounded By Toxic Positivity? Here's How To Break Out Of It
Friends that are all about "good vibes only" aren't always the healthiest to be around â these are the warning signs of a friendship that encourage toxic positivity
"Just think positiveâ, âEverything happens for a reasonâ, âGood vibes only pleaseâ, âIt could be worseââŠ
At some point in 2020, youâve probably uttered these phrases, or been the subject of it. As well-meaning as you (or the other party) intended, at that moment, your upbeat words invalidated real, authentic human emotions â and thatâs the crux of toxic positivity.
âToxic positivity is the failure to recognise situational negativity. When people are hit with hard times, it may lead them to experience sadness, fear or anger. Toxic positivity manifests when these people are told to âsnap out of itâ, âmove onâ, âlook at the bright sideâ or even âstop cryingâ. This invalidates their feelings and deprives them of the healing process of dealing with these emotions,â explains Nathalie Gevinti, Mind Mentor with Stellar Minds.
The harsh truth is, life (and emotions) get messy and we often turn to friends and family to help us process the emotions or to get a listening ear. Unfortunately, we donât always get heard and sometimes leave the interaction feeling worse.
While you canât control the actions of others or insist they be your pillar of support, it is important to recognise the signs of toxic positivity to draw healthy boundaries or step away from the cheery echo chamber for an objective perspective.
Having a positive mindset is important, just as it is imperative to not surround yourself with people who gloss over reality and deny oneâs lived experience. âAnytime your feelings arenât validated, regardless of the situation, you are experiencing toxic positivity,â says Nathalie who cautions knowing the difference between a âgood vibes onlyâ friend and one who doesnât have the emotional bandwidth.
âThey may not necessarily be an insensitive person, they could simply struggle with handling negative emotions due to trauma or upbringing.â Still, if you find yourself surrounded by individuals continually invalidating your experiences, or not respecting where you are at, Nathalie advises âputting some distance between you and them, and seek other counsel from different friends or professionals.â
Thereâs a difference between canât â because life affects us all differently â and wonât. Sadly, some friends are only ever about you helping and hearing them out but when it comes to your turn to lean on them, they brush off your laments with glib, pseudo-positive statements like: âHappiness is a choice: âIf you put good stuff out there, good stuff comes back.â
While it could be a case of them not knowing what to say, it could also be a scenario that theyâre simply not that interested in dealing with the messy side of friendship where things arenât always rosy.
âPeople can lack empathy if they donât see your situation as critical from their point of view,â says Nathalie, pointing out that toxic positivity isnât always a deliberate response. âPeople also struggle with their ability to cope with their emotions, let alone others. It takes a lot to be able to sit there with someone and hold space for them to be all they need to be at that moment.â
Ultimately, Nathalie advises being mindful of whom you are confiding in. âIf they are rushing you to feel better, you can share your boundaries by letting them know how you would like them to act. For example: âI just need someone to listen right nowâ, or âwhen you tell me off, I feel invalidatedâ.
Just as we encourage children to be bored to allow their creativity to flourish, we should do the same with friendships. If your besties are only around when thereâs champagne involved, itâs time to shift the perspective to one that focuses on real-life and real problems. While talking about authentic feelings can feel difficult at first, Nathalie advises practising active listening and to avoid fixing the issue at hand.
âA simple technique is to repeat back to the person what they have said to you but in your own words. It will make them feel listened to, validated and understood, which enables them to start the healing process.â
Text: Charlene Fang/Her World