How To Say No To Self-Sabotage – And Reach Your Goals
Because silencing your inner critic is the first step towards reaching your goals
There is a saying that sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Self-sabotage is a very real problem for some of us, and often we do not even know we are doing it. "Self-sabotage can happen directly or indirectly – and sometimes indirect self-sabotage is hard to spot," explains Domonique Bertolucci, the author of 7 Days Mindset Makeover: Reframe Your Thoughts And Take Charge Of Your Life.
Married, with two children, Domonique is a best-selling author and "happiness coach" who specialises in helping people define what they want out of life. More than ten million people have accessed her online courses or attended her coaching sessions. She's held them in cities all around the world, including New York, Hong Kong, Singapore and Toronto.
She explains more about how sneaky self-sabotage can rob you of your dreams. "An example of direct self-sabotage is eating a large dessert or cake when you want to cut back on sweets to lose weight." But there is also indirect self-sabotage, which can show up in many ways. For example, maybe you procrastinate about going to bed on time the night before a big work interview. In turn, this means you find it difficult to wake up and then show up to the important interview tired and flustered.
Or maybe you start projects but never finish them? Even when an exciting opportunity lands in your lap, you somehow can't get going. Or perhaps you dream about reaching an important personal goal in your life, but you never get around to doing anything about it. You have the dream... but something stops you from moving forward.
These are all examples of indirect self-sabotage. But why do we self-sabotage like this? What's at the bottom of it all?
Another reason we self-sabotage is feeling conflicted. For example, you want a better-paid job – but you also want to spend more time with your kids. You know that if you get a well-paid new job you may also have to spend longer hours at work - and that will keep you from your family. So you are conflicted.
A trick to overcome this sound crazy: focus on the negatives. If the benefits of your current job and the new job seem about equal, focus on the negatives of both of them. Most people are risk-averse, so when it comes to a change you often have a stronger reaction to what you dislike, than what you like.
Think about your day-to-day routine. For example, maybe your current job has great retirement benefits, but the day-to-day negatives are a lower salary. The new job has a higher salary- but the negatives are longer hours and less holiday time.
Thinking about the negatives gives you a chance to work out what you personally are prepared to tolerate - and that helps you get your values into alignment, so you can do what you want to do, with full enthusiasm.
There is a saying in Singapore, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered down." When it comes to self-sabotage you can worry that success will make you a target for jealousy.
For example, you might secretly fear that the new job will put more attention on you. People will judge you more harshly, and add to your pressure. You may fear that any mistake you make will be noticed, and there will be consequences.
Says Domonique, "Self-limiting beliefs are not facts. So instead of believing that nagging voice in your head, try challenging it. Look for evidence, or prove it wrong by taking action towards your goal. Focus your inner dialogue constructively. This means paying more attention to that inner chatter and making sure that you encourage positive self-talk."
Bauer Syndication /ARE Media.