How To Say No To Stuff You Don't Want To Do And Still Be Liked
Because when you learn to say "No" the right way it can change your life for the better.
Do you feel like you are being pulled in a million directions and never have any time or energy left for you? It is time to discover the power of saying, "No, thank you", "Not now" and "Not ever". One of the first words that children learn - almost right after mama and dada, is "NO". By the age of two, children know how to say "No" to the things they do not want to do. As parents, we even encourage them to say "No" to wrong touching. We know that saying "no" sometimes is necessary for their physical and emotional health.
But when we get older, we lose the ability to say No. Somehow it becomes easier to say "Yes" - even if you really do not want to do it. You end up running around, trying to keep everyone else happy and do what they need. By the end of the day, you have no energy left for the things you want to do. You feel exhausted, frustrated and resentful.
The trouble is that we often worry that saying "No" will make people hate us. We want to be liked, and so we say yes to a million and one requests. But the good news is that you can learn how to create clear boundaries in your life and actually do the things you want to do for yourself - and you can still be liked. Here's how to start that process;
to get better at saying "No" you need to change how you think about your needs in relation to everyone else's needs. In Asia, we are taught that it is bad to think of ourselves. It's selfish and kiasu. And because we want to be a good person - a good parent, a good daughter, and a good wife - it is easy to fall into the trap of putting everyone's needs first.
But it is not selfish to sometimes put your own needs first sometimes. Being selfish is putting your own needs before everyone else - even if it hurts them. That is not what you are doing. You are just saying, "Sometimes my needs are important too." Your needs do not deserve to be top of the list every time - but neither do they deserve to be bottom of the list every time.
You are also entitled to protect your needs with clear boundaries, and to maintain those boundaries, even if you are being pressured to move them. It can be tough when your needs don't fit in with what other people want from you, but learning how to say "No" and putting clear boundaries in place can be liberating for you. The trick is timing.
It is easy to feel pressured into saying "yes" to something you do not want to do. An easy way to release yourself from this pressure is to take your time. Take a few minutes, hours, or even days to really think about the right response for you.
This approach works for all kinds of requests, not just face-to-face. Next time you receive a request by email, text, Whatsapp, Messenger, or any other form of digital communication, remind yourself that it does not need an instant answer. If you find yourself instinctively saying "yes" and then immediately regretting it, you need to learn to buy yourself some time.
Don't worry - you don't have to be rude or evasive. Instead, you can use phrases like:
"I'm not sure. Can I come back to you on that?"
"Can I think about it? I need to check my calendar."
"When do you need to know by? I need to check a few things first."
Build a list of phrases like this that you can use when you need them.
If someone is asking you to do something for them, you don't need to drop everything and do it for them right away. If you worry that people will think you are mean or selfish, try moving the timeline.
I learned this tip from my new dry-cleaner. Before, I used to ask for next-day service... but actually, I rarely collected my dry cleaning the next day. It was just a reflex request.
When I moved house I dropped off my clothes at my new dry-cleaner. He said, "We can have these done by Thursday. Is that okay for you?" It was a smart approach. He met my needs, but at a time that worked for him, his schedule, and his resources. He also freed up his time and resources to serve customers who needed their clothes done urgently. Win-win for everyone.
Most people have a much clearer idea about where they would like to go on holiday than what they would like to do with their life. But if you are not clear about the big picture of what you want, it impacts your day-to-day activities as well. If you do not know what you want out of your days and weeks it is very easy to bend and flow with what everyone else wants - and then you become overwhelmed.
Think about what you want in your life - more time to do a treasured hobby? Time to go for a self-care manicure? Or time to study for a new job that will be more fulfilling? It doesn't matter what you want. It just matters that it is important to your goal in life.
And remember you do not have to say "yes" just because you do not have a valid reason to say "no." Next time you are invited to an event and you really don't want to go, you can just say "No thanks. I'm busy that night." No one needs to know that you're really "busy" binging Netflix.
You may receive some negative reactions when you say "no" - there will be some criticism, judgment, and guilt. Your kid may sulk or guilt-trip you when you say no to making yet another snack. Your mother-in-law may show you a black face if you say "no" to yet another of her last-minute requests. Your colleague may act like she is dying of overwork when you say no to taking on extra tasks to "help her out."
It may come as a surprise, but other people's reactions are not your responsibility.
When someone wants your time, energy, or attention, it is natural for them to feel disappointed if they do not get it. It is understandable that people don't like it if you say no to their requests. But their feelings are about them, not you.
They may challenge you, and that can feel uncomfortable. But that's separate from your decision. Make your decision calmly, stick to it clearly and teach people how you expect to be treated. If you are challenged, try saying, "I know my decision is disappointing to you, but I'm comfortable with it." Comfortable is a respectful word to use, because you are not saying. " I do not care about your feelings," or "Too bad".
Extracted from 7 Step Mindset Makeover by Domonique Bertolucci, published by Hardie Grant Books / Bauer Syndication/Are Media