How To Support A Loved One Through Their Grief
Death and loss can be difficult to talk about – here’s how we can give support to someone who is grieving from the loss of loved one
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Grief is a natural part of life, yet it is often stigmatised. Navigating conversations with someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one can be challenging, but it helps to offer meaningful support and normalise the feelings that come with grief.
Lianna Champ, author of How to Grieve Like A Champ, has over 40 years of experience as a grief specialist.
Here, she shares how to create a safe and empathetic space for them to express their emotions and memories.
A friend of mine has recently lost someone close, and I am at a loss as to how to comfort her. How do we create a safe space for loved ones to share their feelings and memories?
Encourage them to talk about their relationship with the person who has died. Instead of asking closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, ask open-ended questions that invite the person to share more about their experience.
When they share, don’t say, “At least…” or “I know how you feel”. Just listen. We tend to compare our experiences and think about what we are going to say next in return, instead of fully listening to the words that are being spoken to us. This makes the other person feel unheard and misunderstood. When someone is speaking emotionally, they are making a statement that does not need analysing. When you reply, offer words to show that you have listened and thank them for being open, honest and trusting. We need to honour each other with this respect.
Sharing memories is where healing begins and stops people from feeling abandoned in grief. It will feel uncomfortable to begin with as we hate to cause others to feel upset, but crying isn’t wrong. Grief is the most natural emotion in the world when we have lost someone, and it is really healthy for one when they can find the space to be able to let their tears flow without anyone trying to stop them – if people keep trying to change how we feel, we learn not to trust our natural instincts. Ask your grieving loved one what they will miss most and what they won’t miss – this usually raises a smile.
How does verbalising their grief contribute to the healing process?
As children, when we cry or are upset, the adults around us quickly try to distract us from our sadness, whether by offering a treat, some chocolate, or watching a cartoon. Therefore, we are taught early in life that we shouldn’t feel sad or give our sadness attention because we have constantly been distracted from it. This inadvertently teaches us that sad or bad feelings are meant to be withheld and not shared.
If we grow up with this learning, not only do we struggle in our own times of grief, we feel uncomfortable around others who are grieving because we never learned how to share our sadness. When we are happy, we don’t try to stop our happiness; we enjoy the full experience of the emotion. It should be the same when we are sad. Both emotions need equal expression.
How can I strike a balance between being present for my loved one and respecting their need for solitude or space?
Don’t use platitudes, as these just serve to diminish their emotions. Don’t expect a certain type of behaviour or emotional reaction. Accept that this is their own personal experience, but you can make a difference by being fully present, open-hearted and non-judgemental. Grief is incredibly personal – there is no one-size-fits-all solution, and no two people will react to the same loss in the same way.
If they withdraw, don’t try to force change. Grief can be silent too, and it changes in intensity minute by minute. If you feel that there is too much withdrawal, it may be time to find a professional who can help to unravel their thoughts and provide some help.
Be aware of the difficulty of approaching birthdays and the anniversaries of death – don’t just be there in the early days and disappear when it looks as if life has returned to normal. It hasn’t. Keep in touch, keep talking, and keep sharing.
Text: Cheryl Lai-Lim/HerWorld