Try These 8 Tips To Complain – And Get Results
Complaining has a bad reputation but if you do it properly, great things happen
We often see complaining as a negative or stressful thing to do, but if you learn how to complain the right way, you can get more of what you want in your life.
Even if you are just complaining about something that you can’t really change – like the weather when you’ve planned a family picnic – complaining still serves a useful purpose in life, explains psychologist Dr Robin Kowalski. He found that people use this kind of complaining to create social bonds or let off steam. Complaining also allows us to gather information, it can also encourage empathy, and help us create real change.
Because the most powerful way to complain is when you have an end result in mind. Dr Robin Kowalski found that people who complain with the hope of seeing a certain result are happier. They feel they are moving towards a better situation. Complaining also influences how people see us – and Plus it sends a signal to others about how we expect to be treated at home and. Do you stay quiet when someone dumps extra work on you again and again at the last minute, or do you politely complain? That sends a signal that you expect to be treated fairly.
“Complaining is a skill that can be very effective in life if you do it well. The goal is not to stop complaining – the goal is to make your complaining more effective and less stressful. Because when you complain effectively you can achieve the support and change you need.
Here’s how to complain effectively to get more of what you want in life.
“Complaining is a skill that can be very effective in life if you do it well. The goal is not to stop complaining – the goal is to make your complaining more effective and less stressful,” says Dr Robin Kowalski. Because when you complain effectively you can achieve the support and change you need.
Psychologists divide complaining into “high-level” and “low-level” complaints. High-level complaints are the big issues that have a large impact on your life. Low-level complaints are the day to day niggles and frustrations - milk cartons that are so hard to open the milk splashes everywhere or annoying websites that take forever to load when you are trying to buy movie tickets online.
When you’re a busy working mother you know that energy is in short supply. So first, work out if this is a high-level problem that is worth your complaining energy. If it’s not… try to just let it go.
This typically happens when no available solution, or you feel you are being ignored. You end up grumbling under your breath for months and months and nothing happens, and you just feel worse.
Complaining loops also happen when you have trouble accepting reality – for example, “Why is it always so hot in Singapore?”. It’s hot because we live on the equator. It’s just reality.
It’s understandable that you need to let off steam for a while after a hot and sweaty walk from the MRT, but getting stuck in a complaining loop does not help. You just keep repeating your complaint and you don’t get any relief or help. And nothing changes.
People stuck in a complaint loop tend to see things in black and white. They use words like never, always, cannot, no way. For example, “Why does my mother always put me down?” But life is not always black and white – there are often loopholes and exceptions if you look for them, and they give you ammunition for your complaint.
For example, if your orders are often late, but there were on time on certain days, you can point this out to the company in your complaint. Ask what the company plans to do to ensure more orders arrive on time? What did they – or you – do differently on those days?
But what if your complaint loop is more about a situation that you really cannot change – like your mother-in-law’s self-obsessed personality? In this case, using the word “and” can give you relief. For example, “My mother-in-law is so self-obsessed that she never thinks about what I want AND I have friends who do think about what I want.”
Sometimes we do what’s called “social complaining”. That’s when we complain to collect information or build social bonds – for example when you complain to your friends about your frustrations with your child’s enrichment classes. You’re partly trying to bond, but you are also trying to gather information on alternative enrichment classes, or tips on how to manage the situation better.
The trick with social complaining is to pick the right audience. Pick people who will understand your complaint, or help you achieve your goal. There’s no point socially complaining to someone who doesn’t care… or who’s heard the same complaint over and over again. They’ll probably just switch off and you’ll feel more frustrated than ever.
Use facts and logic
Try to remove all the emotion from your complaint. You have every right to be angry if a late delivery of food affects your dinner party… but you’ll get more results if you stick to the facts. What time were they supposed to arrive? What time did they really arrive? How far ahead did you book? What do you want them to do to make it up to you?
Know your ideal outcome – and your fallback position
Do you want your money back? If they can’t give you money back, what will you accept instead? Will you accept vouchers of the same value? Think about what you want to get when you complain.
Understand who has the power to make change happen
There’s no point complaining randomly on Facebook - that’s just way too easy to ignore. Find out who at the company handles complaints. Send them a factual email, or log your complaint in a factual way on their website or social media page. Explain your problem and explain you want a response.
Text: Whitney Goodman/ Bauer Syndication/ARE Media