Can Your Relationship Survive Addiction?
Loving someone with an addiction can be incredibly tough. We look at how dependence can threaten relationships, what you can do about it and when to walk away
Alcohol. Drugs. Gambling. Pornography. Technology. Some addicts may joke about their 'vice' but for the ones who love them, it's far from funny. There's no doubt that addiction in any of its forms can take a huge toll on relationships. While sex and technology addictions may grab headlines, the most common dependency issues impacting couples and families are substance abuse and gambling, says mental health researcher Professor Frances Quirk.
"For some people, within socially accepted norms, use can be something they can maintain all their lives, and it has little impact on them or anyone else. For others, their use becomes more significant."
If you're trying to work out if your partner has an addiction, look for changes in their behaviour. They might not be coping well with things they used to cope with, or be neglecting themselves or other responsibilities, or being secretive and trying to hide the effects of their addiction.
You can also answer a simple online questionnaire to determine if someone you love has a problem. It typically includes questions about level of use, whether the person acknowledges their use and how they respond when it's suggested they change or stop. There are simple addiction checklists at www.nams.sg or search for one online.
However, Quirk says, it is common for there to be an event or moment when neither of you can pretend any longer – which can put a relationship built on trust on very shaky ground. "It might be the person getting busted for driving under the influence. Or you may notice significant amounts of savings missing. When you have evidence, in black and white, that you can't dismiss, it is quite hard for a relationship to recover from those sorts of prolonged deceptions," says Quirk.
Anyone who's ever loved an addict knows how difficult it can be to leave, even if it's not the relationship they've signed up for. If we stay, it's mainly because we hope the person will change, says psychologist Dr Simon Crisp, from Neo Psychology.
"We're only human," he explains, "and if you're committed to that person's wellbeing you may believe love and support will be enough to help or influence them to overcome this. That can be a trap at times."
Addicts can be master manipulators, so it can be difficult to gauge where a person is at in terms of making real, lasting changes. Crisp says that in couples therapy where addiction is the issue, it's common for the partner with the dependency to pretend everything's fine, even if it's the opposite.
"The illusion of control is one of the problems with addiction. There's a level of denial about the consequences of it."
In confronting the problem it helps to gain an understanding of where the addict is in their willingness, readiness and ability to change, says Quirk. "If they're not lined up in all three of those things, they're not actually likely to follow through. They might say that they want to, but they're probably not going to be able to."
The person may have a biological vulnerability to substance abuse. They may have low self-esteem or anxiety, which they manage through substance abuse. And it can be very difficult, if you're the non-addicted partner, to understand why they can't or won't stop, especially if you believe it's about simply having the willpower to say no, says Quirk.
"It can come down to thinking that their habit is more important than you or the relationship, or the children, or your finances – and that's a very difficult position to be empathetic from," she explains.
Three tips on talking about the problem
Avoid the drama. Be direct, unemotional and as non-judgmental as possible.
Think ultimatum. "Say, 'This is such a serious situation and I'm so concerned. I require you to take certain steps to discuss the issue with me or a therapist," says Crisp.
Explain the consequences. If they won't take you seriously, you may need to consider separating from them or limiting your involvement with that person. "That way, they'll understand that they're choosing to avoid the issue, that you're serious about addressing it, and that they can't maintain that level of denial about the impact of the addictive behaviour," says Crisp.
When you still love the person, but are exhausted by the cycle of their behaviour, it's time to weigh up the benefits of the relationship you share against the harm the addiction is causing.
"The other part of the equation," says Crisp, "is how hopeful you are that things will improve, possibly seeking professional advice about the person's circumstances and what's realistic to expect in terms of change. If you've been trying to instigate change for some time – years even – it's okay to accept that you've done your best and to not continue in the relationship."
Quirk adds that it's about assessing whether it's the life you can or want to lead. "You need to ask yourself, 'Can I continue in this relationship with this person, knowing that it's possible these sorts of events will recur, and that I may be personally at risk financially or physically?'" she explains. "You need to assess whether you're prepared to take those risks, and you might need to think about it from the perspective of just you, or you and your family."
Determining the right course of action or treatment depends on the individual, their circumstances and level of motivation. If the person has supportive relationships, is employed and in good health, they've got a better chance of recovery, says Crisp. Here are some options to consider:
Minimisation approach. Research shows that attempts to abstain completely can be unreliable. "So you end up with a person who's flip-flopping from extreme substance abuse to short periods of abstinence," says Crisp. "Generally, a minimisation approach is the most effective, where the person aims to reduce their use." The University of New Mexico found this non-confrontational approach was the leading therapy for alcoholism.
Rehab and DIY programs. In-patient rehabilitation is a long-term approach to drug and alcohol recovery, with various program lengths available.
Pharmacotherapy. Addiction specialist Professor Jon Curie, director of addiction at Melbourne's St Vincent's Hospital, treats addicts with a mix of medications. He claims this method 'switches off' cravings in the brain and helps 80 to 90 per cent reduce their use and 70 per cent stop using completely.
Counselling. Whether the addict heads towards reduced use or abstinence, understanding their reasons for using is key, says Crisp. "Sometimes it's really hard for an addict to understand what their motivation is for doing those things in the first places – and working it out with a counsellor may help. Also, therapy can teach you strategies which can help or reduce the need to use."
If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, you can contact the National Addictions Management Service (NAMS) at 6732 6837.
Text: bauersyndication.com.au