The Real Reasons Why Men Don't Want Sex (& How To Deal With It)
While we assume it's usually women saying no to sex, research is finding there's a growing number of men who have lost interest. So what can you do to reignite the spark?
Imagine this: you put on your sexiest underwear and drape yourself provocatively across the mattress. But when your partner comes into the bedroom, he casts one glance at you, yawns and moves to the far side of the bed. You reach out, touch his back, hopefully. He flinches.
"I'm not in the mood," he says. You shrink back, trying not to cry. Now imagine this has been going on for a year or more...
Sadly, this is an increasingly common scenario in bedrooms. In fact, a recent UK survey found 62 per cent of men turn down sex more frequently than their female partners.
Sexual rejection can be especially difficult for women because most assume men are always interested – a misconception that stems from outdated social attitudes towards sexuality, says the well-known British martial therapist Andrew G Marshall.
"While understandable, given the representation of men in everything from TV and films to the wider media, this myth can be damaging as it means women often jump to the wrong conclusions if their partner goes off sex," he says. "It's easy to feel you've become undesirable or torment yourself with the assumption that he's having an affair. Or you may see him as somehow less 'masculine', which could lead to you feeling less attracted to him."
Even feeling secure and loved-up may not help if your man's desire dwindles. "If you are sure of your love for each other, you may remind yourself of all the positives and normalise the lack of sex, telling yourself it doesn't matter because so much else about the relationship works," says relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam.
"You may subconsciously shut down your libido. When it gets to this point, you can become stuck in the habit of not having sex. It can start to feel embarrassing, so you may both avoid it. Once you've fallen into this pattern, it can be dangerous for the relationship, as deep down you may still long to have a love-life – in which case, you could end up having an affair."
It's not an easy situation, but the good news is here are eight simple steps you can both take to deal with the problem and reclaim your sex life.
The first step is to discuss your concerns with your partner. But approach it in the right way.
"Most people find it hard to talk about sex as it makes them feel vulnerable, so they resort to manipulation and dropping hints," says Marshall. "But those hints can be missed or misconstrued, so talk clearly, without getting angry or apportioning blame."
Try saying, "We haven't had sex for a long time and I miss it. I was wondering how you feel about it?" This encourages him to share his feelings, making an honest conversation more likely.
"Remind yourself to stop thinking that if he loved and fancied you, sex would just happen," says Marshall. "Sex is only easy at the start of a relationship because lust helps us overcome our insecurities and any awkwardness or difficulties with each other."
If your sex life has declined significantly, it may be that underlying problems are exposed, and that's what you now need to deal with. Be careful about confiding in friends, Marshall adds.
"This can backfire as your friends may believe the myths about male sex drive," he says. So you can end up with more misinformation.
"Physical issues need to be ruled out or dealt with, so encourage him to see his GP," says Quilliam. "Remind him to view his low libido as a physical problem like any other, which may be helped quickly with treatment, either to deal with any underlying causes or erectile dysfunction itself."
Do you think there's a power imbalance? Try to find a way to ensure your partner feels included in decision-making. If you're the main earner, for example, hand the household responsibilities over to him and make sure he feels he has a say in everything you do together.
"Understand that sex doesn't just mean intercourse," says Marshall. "Sometimes, men can completely withdraw physically because they think if they cuddle you, you'll expect full sex, which puts pressure on them to perform.
Make it clear you don't expect that and indulge in sensual behaviour – from kissing or slow dancing in the kitchen to sexy texting. This helps to retain a physical sexual bond without expectation and will make progression to sex easier."
"While spontaneous sex is great, you shouldn't rely on it, as for many couples that might only happen once a year on holiday," says Marshall.
Start making time for it – for example, by deciding you'll have a regular Saturday morning lie-in.
Again, remember sex doesn't have to mean intercourse – you could start by making time just to be physical with each other.
If you're worried your partner is overusing porn, understand that it's not about your undesirability or that he fancies these women more. To broach the subject, Quilliam suggests taking a gentle approach.
"Don't accuse or blame him, as he's likely to get defensive. You could ask what he gets from porn, so it becomes more about having a discussion than making any kind of judgment. You could also say that you thought he might be looking at porn more than he used to, feel worried it might be having an effect on your relationship and you're wondering why he thinks it might be happening."
However tentative your approach, he may still clam up, as men can feel a lot of shame about porn.
If these steps don't work, it could be time to get some extra support, especially if your partner refuses to talk or he's using porn excessively.
"The sooner you get help, the better – years of rejection and resentment can be hard to resolve, even with the help of therapy," says Marshall.
And if he won't agree to go with you? "Go to therapy on your own," says Quilliam. "If you're still functioning as a unit, anything you do will impact on him and he may end up joining you."
Text: bauersyndication.com.au