What To Do If War Images Are Affecting Your Child

One of the main things parents want for their children is to keep them safe. There are various aspects of this, such as making sure they're physically secure at all times, enabling them to express their emotions safely and protecting them from things that can mentally stress them out. 

But the uncertainty we have been facing in the world in recent years is impossible to ignore or skirt around. From the effects of climate change to the Covid-19 pandemic and wars going on in different parts of the world, parents inevitably receive difficult questions from their kids.

Your child might have come across images or videos of solders in Russia or Ukraine, or perhaps they have seen footage of children being lifted to safety after a bombing in Gaza by Israeli forces. War coverage affects us even as adults so it's not surprising that children can be disturbed by them too. Some emotions that surface include anxiety, fear, anger and helplessness.

And, no matter how much you try to shield your child from such images, there's a high chance that they'll manage to catch at least a glance at some point. Jean XM Chen, director and counsellor at Relationship Matters, reveals that, although there are parental controls that can be set on electronic devices – such as restricting certain content on the internet and the duration on the device – there is a rising trend of using Whatsapp, email and other platforms (including virtual games) for communication among primary school kids and older. This also means that you have less control over the information that your children receive over such platforms. And, if they don’t have access to such platforms, they may hear such information from discussions between schoolmates.

“Parents don’t have to be overly worried about it though, unless your child is disturbed by it,” she says. “This is because, the more we fret over it, the more it adds to the child’s anxiety.”

The importance of staying neutral

Depending on their age, some children might be able to process their feelings better, while others will look to adults to guide them through a range of emotions. For example, they might ask you why war happens or why such things are taking place in certain parts of the world. It's important not to pass judgement here as they aren't able to fully grasp the historical or political nuances behind certain conflicts. 

“If our children ask about the reasons behind war, we can let them know that there are different groups of people who want different things and they cannot resolve their fight through other ways, so they end up fighting through the hard way,” Jean explains. “It doesn’t have to be in the form of slinging mud at a certain party or country. Otherwise, your child may view you as an extreme, opinionated person who wouldn’t wish to understand their views when they become teenagers. It can be helpful to express a more balanced view to our children.”

Jean says that children may also feel afraid as they wonder if the war will become their reality one day. They may also wonder about the reasons some countries have wars. She suggests soothing their fear by stroking their arm or hugging them while telling them that war is not likely to happen in Singapore. If we say it in a confident and reassuring tone, that will be helpful, she adds.

However, soothing might not always do the trick and your child might need more reassurance. For children who remain fearful despite being soothed, Jean says it can be helpful to brainstorm on what they can do if war happens in Singapore, such as what to pack in times of emergency, which bomb shelter to hide in and so on. And if your child is having specific nightmares, it can be helpful to talk about the content of the nightmare, have a reassuring hug and brainstorm together on how to ‘survive’ in the nightmare’s scene. 

“If it is a scary image that is stuck in your child’s mind, repeated hugs and words of reassurance that ‘it’s going to be ok, I am here with you’ can be helpful. If these do not help, it might be good to see a counsellor,” Jean advises. 

Appreciate your family's safety

Parents could turn this situation into a learning opportunity for the whole family, as “everyone can come together as a family to appreciate the peaceful times we have without war”. However, if you're looking to specifically bring up a conversation about war, she doesn't recommend it for children who are below 10 years old. This is because they need to feel a sense of safety in their immediate environment while they are still at a vulnerable stage in life.

For conversations with children between the ages of 10 and 16, Jean says keeping the content to what they can do if a war happens can be helpful in easing fear. 

“It can also help them to be more empathic towards those who are in war zones and to appreciate their current life. The conversation can be started with a piece of news that you hear about a certain war,” she adds. 

And if your child is aged above 17, you can delve deeper, by discussing how wars come about, as well as finding out what their views are about war and what they hope to learn from them, says Jean. 

Other tips while talking to your child about war include making sure you're calm and in control of your own emotions when broaching the subject, finding out what they know about the war and encouraging compassion by pointing out the helpers in the conflicts.