A Coffee Date With My Pre-Baby Self, One Year Into Motherhood

When I first started writing this piece, I was so excited to coincide it with my "first" Mother’s Day this year. When I shared this with my husband, he said in a confused tone: “But love, this isn’t your first Mother’s Day.”

I paused, sincerely perplexed, as the rolodex of images from the past year turned in my head. He was right. This was my second. 

How on earth did I miss that? The beautiful counting up of my baby’s first year. The iconic day to commemorate all motherly figures. That’s when it hit me harder.

Luca, my baby boy, was slightly shy of a month old on my first Mother’s Day. This revelation, almost a year to date, gave me an even deeper perspective of the foggy, blurry space I was in during that early postpartum period.

It seemed like an eternity away – the idea of doing “my own thing”. But now, look at me, as my baby turns one. Sitting solo in a cafe, feeling the (somewhat) ease to write as Luca naps with my husband at home. I think back to my early postpartum period, and even further back to my pre-baby self.

If I met that woman for coffee, what would I say to her – and other women – who are embarking on motherhood?

Rest

Your extended retreat from the outside world is not a void or signal of silence. It is an active phase of recovery and growth.

You might often hear the phrase “sleep when baby sleeps”. But I found it difficult to do that, especially when you feel like there’s a million and one things to take care of after birth – not including your own recovery. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia (a coffee date for another day) a couple weeks before my due date, which weighed on my physical and mental well-being. After birth, the anxiety of monitoring the numbers for my diagnosis, alongside daily medication, was heightened by my sheer tiredness.  

Whatever your birth story is, the distance between your birth and when you feel ready to face the world is truly personal. There is no need to “bounce back” to your routines, your tight jeans or your career. You’re not in a race with anyone (looking right at you, mama) to feel “normal”. Your measure of recovery isn’t how fast you go back to your old self. You are altered, on a journey of redefining and understanding yourself and your relationships in the deepest exploration you’ve ever known.

Asking for support is strength. The physical and invisible load of carrying your emotions can be overwhelming. Give yourself permission (and help) to feel it all.

As you navigate the fourth trimester, tending to your postpartum body and spirit is crucial. Pre-birth, my doula helped me and my husband emotionally and held our hands during those first postpartum weeks. This is the privilege of a village. I say privilege, because it is not a given for many, even though it should be for every birthing mama and family.

Some may rise up in ways that surprise you, while others might falter in the ways you thought. Embrace it all. The peaks and valleys of the experience hold lessons within, as the terrain of parenthood is mapped out as you take your first mama steps. Remember you are your strongest ally, and know you have wells of strength far beyond what you imagine. 

Recognise

You are learning a completely new skill – motherhood. Loving your baby is separate from understanding how to care for them.

In the beginning, your days and nights will blur as one. Your emotions (and fluctuating hormones) can feel overwhelming, anxious and all-consuming. Acknowledgement is key. It feels hard, because it isn’t easy.

Go easy on yourself. You’re in the ongoing process of huge changes happening in your body, mind and spirit. It’s a whole new world you’ve entered, one that requires all of your being.

The pressure to be the “perfect” mother – or even how to do basic parenting – is real. 

Recognise what you need, and advocate for yourself. Is it community care? Therapy? A dedicated time slot (even half hour) of simply solo time? In a time of immense transformation, speak and seek out what will help fill your tank. Not only is it necessary for you and your baby, but beneficial for everyone around you.

And hot tip, postpartum isn’t just the fourth trimester or 12 weeks after your birth. As stated by The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “postpartum care should become an ongoing process, rather than a single encounter, with services and support tailored to each woman’s individual needs.”

Trust your instincts. Allow sage advice to enrich you, but let your heart guide you.

This is your first taste of mama bear mode. I had to remind myself to observe, receive and give thanks for any opinions that came my way, while also anchoring it in belief and grace that I know what’s best for my baby – even if it’s my first!

Absorb the advice that sticks, but remember you set the rules of engagement. However you want guests to show up when they first meet your infant or whatever your instincts are to feed, sleep or hold your little one – it’s not what you think you should do, but what feels right by your new family. There is no “best” way to parent. Trust that you will rise up to the moments your body and baby needs you, because you are stronger and wiser than you know.

Reconnect

Honour the woman that brought you here, the ‘you’ before motherhood.

As you slowly get to know the new woman navigating motherhood, you might grieve a part of the woman who brought you here. As much as there is tremendous blessing and joy around motherhood, there is also an unspoken grief of change to what was. A grief that is often overlooked and unnurtured in the postpartum experience. But that woman is still, and always will be a part of you. 

I’ve learned that the division of my womanhood pre- and post-baby is not binary – it is an ever-expanding change, one that I can reevaluate, remember and redefine as I choose. That the wheel of my identity can turn and evolve to different parts of myself at any time. This affirmation doesn’t come naturally on some days; frustration is weaved into this wheel constantly. And so is the fiercest love you’ll come to know.

As you nurture your baby, don’t forget to mother yourself as well.

Introduce tiny habits that can support your body and mind through any intense emotions. Step away for a moment, even for 10 minutes to walk around your neighbourhood. Where possible, take your shoes off and ground with the earth. Give attention to your body as you move intentionally in breath.

Take that longer shower. Stretch out whenever you find a moment. Cry out tears of energy you’ve been holding within you. Take that catch-up call with a friend outdoors. Join a mother’s meetup or circle – a lifesaver for me – with a trusted guide or facilitator and lean into that space during this time of transformation. 

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No manual, or article, can prepare anyone for the powerful portal that is being a mother – but storytelling with others is crucial. It builds a container for joy, grief, laughter and support. And even though I know what I know now as I reach my baby’s first year, I wouldn’t have been able to fully convey all these experiences to my pre-baby self. She wouldn’t truly lean into it, till she found herself in that space. 

So what I would say is…

Just breathe into the uncertainty without judgement. You are supported by your highest self, and your love is all your baby needs.

And maybe these words shared on our coffee date spans to all facets of my womanhood – for the past, in the present and as I grow into the future.

Elizabeth Lazan is an actress, producer, host and eco-mindfulness facilitator, currently based in Los Angeles. Follow her musings and creative mama life at @LizLazan.

Elizabeth's resources:

• Postpartum Women’s Circle: @motherthemamas
• Maternal Wellness & Mental Support: https://www.clarity-singapore.org/