The Village Privilege That Not All Mums Talk About

There is nothing quite like parenting for mums to admit this: no man (or woman) is an island. While mothers carry a significant load for the family, raising children - or even just one child - is a team effort. It involves not just daddy, the nanny or doting grandparents, but many other people and even resources at your disposal.

While most of us mark International Women's Day by celebrating exceptional females, we believe that those who take on grunt work at home -- such as cooking, cleaning and childminding -- deserve just as much honour. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. If we are seriously looking at reviving the dismal birth rate, we are better off acknowledging and recognising that village, and how instrumental it is in ensuring that women can still have a career, personal life and social life after having kids. This also goes a long way in alleviating the pressure on women to "have it all" and "do it all".

So, what does that proverbial village look like? We ask these mums to share their village and points of privilege that have eased their parenthood journey and allowed them to be the best mother they can be.

All hands on deck to manage three kids under three

"Help comes from our families, helper and even the children’s school teachers who love the kids and have their needs met. Our mothers, sisters and even my father-in-law come over regularly to watch the kids on weeknights and weekends. With their support, my husband and I can have one-on-one time with each child while the two other kids get to bond with the extended family. We can also sneak in date nights, workouts, or even just shower long enough to rinse the conditioner out of my hair!

Having this support was crucial when I was overseas for a work trip last year. Both my twins had to be hospitalised and my husband had to stay over with them. My sister, mother and in-laws took turns to watch my elder daughter at home, so she didn’t feel like she was left alone in the care of the helper."

Deborah Dayani Nanayakara, 39, public relations director and mother to a two-year-old girl and seven-month-old twin boys

The ability to afford part-time housekeeping

"Our part-time cleaner who comes in once a month helps us with chores we don't have time to work on properly, like cleaning the windows, ceiling fans and the inside of the ovens. To be honest, with a toddler and three adults in one household, this is not enough but it still helps A LOT. Who enjoys cleaning ceiling fans, anyway? This is a privilege because not every household can spare the extra $100 per month for outside help.

I'm also grateful for my mum who lives with us. Though she works, she offers to clean and cook occasionally. Once during Hari Raya, my husband and I had to rush out of home without washing a huge pile of dishes. I was dreading the chore at the end of the day, but when we got home, the kitchen was sparkling clean. My mother had returned from work and done the cleaning while we were out. We were so relieved! It is also heartwarming that she has a great bond with my son and is sometimes able to calm him down better than my husband and I can."

Eliza Hamizah, 32, social media manager and mother to a three-year-old boy

Neighbours turned friends

"We have very dependable neighbours who would readily offer help when one of us is sick or busy. My kids would go over and have a playdate. In fact, our families have gotten close enough that we travelled to Genting together last December. Of course, we also have the grandparents who are always happy to have the kids over for a meal or overnight stay. Both grandmas are avid cooks and show their love through preparing homemade dishes. Knowing that we have a close-knitted community who care for our kids as much as we do keeps our love tank full all the time."

Lin Xiaoling, 41, mum to two kids aged 10 and eight. She works in the public service sector.

A husband who supports her entrepreneurship journey

"During the first year of building my business The First Refresh, I was stressed and on-edge all the time, and placed a lot of pressure on myself to meet revenue goals. At one point, I was working from 5.30am till after dinner, and was definitely not at my best at parenting and being a role model to my children. In that season of life, my husband was nothing short of supportive. He would talk through business issues with me, be with the kids, and allow me to grow at my own pace. His support was invaluable to my growth as a mother. When I lost my temper or reacted to a situation in a way I wasn’t proud of, we would have a discussion afterwards. I listened to his feedback on what triggered me and how I could deal with it better next time. It's allowed me to understand myself more deeply, and approach parenting as a privilege, not a chore."

Rachael Kam, 36, business owner and mother to two children aged seven and five

Parents who live nearby

"I don't say this enough but I'm grateful for my parents, whom have been a great pillar of support ever since they moved near us in end 2022. They have been helping to look after the kids on occasions when they are sick and my husband and I are unable to take time off from work. Sometimes when my husband and I need to work late, they also help to pick the kids up from school. There were times where the kids were hit by different bugs and falling sick consecutively. Because my parents are working from home, they could help to look after the kids. Without my parents’ help, my husband and I would have burnt all our annual leave."

Lin Ziyu, 40, communications professional and mother to three children aged 10, eight and four

A super helper who keeps the household in shape

"Mary cooks, cleans, plays with my girls, takes them to school and picks them up after. My husband and I have very busy jobs and often have to take meetings that cater to different time zones, so our helper has been indispensable in our everyday lives. Of course, there are times when the girls are adamant that their parents pay them attention - and my husband and I are extra mindful to carve out quality time for them. If not for an additional caregiver at home, I wouldn't have been able to achieve as much career success and earn a comfortable income to support our needs and wants."

Alexis Lim, 42, legal professional and mother to two girls aged seven and five

A husband who goes the extra mile

"My husband does his best to be present for the family in spite of his work demands, which never stop since he's a teacher. We work together to get our kids showered and ready for bed. I work every night too and he accompanies me before he sleeps, even cooking supper for me when I get the late night munchies.

We have five children who all have different needs and schedules. When I wanted to take my five- and three-year-old girls to watch the Sleeping Beauty ballet at the Esplanade, making it possible became a real operation. While my parents took the boys to their activities, my husband carried our baby for the hour the older girls and I were in the hall for the show."

Kelly Ang, 36, freelance writer and mother to five kids aged 10, nine, five, three and eight months old