Is It Possible To Have A Conflict-Free Relationship With The Grandparents?
The short answer is no, reckons one clinical psychologist we speak with, but there are ways to defuse tension and keep the peace.
By Ng Mei Yan -
Do you seethe at the unlimited screen time and snacks that junior indulges in while under the care of grandma? Or feel undermined by your own parents who run to the little one’s defence when you try to correct his behaviour? And let’s not forget the unsolicited parenting advice you might receive every now and then (or always).
A simple Google search will show that clashes between parents and their parents is a universal conundrum. After all, each generation grew up with different circumstances and challenges, which informed their parenting philosophy.
In land-scarce Singapore where it’s common to find multiple generations living together, as well as grandparents who perform primary caregiving roles for their grandchildren, things become even more dicey.
“These interfaces are prime opportunities for bonding or disputes between parents and grandparents about grandchildren,” says Jocelyn Cheng, clinical psychologist at Promises Healthcare.
Disagreements between parents and grandparents are multi-faceted, says Jocelyn. She cites the Mott Poll Report, a survey conducted among intergenerational households by the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan.
Common contentious areas include disciplinary and lifestyle issues (such as relating to meals, snacks and screen time). Also, the survey found that half of disagreements stemmed from grandparents treating children either too leniently or too strictly.
Another interesting point was raised with regards to grandparents’ Internet use. The elderly may not be as fully aware of privacy considerations when posting about their grandchildren online, something that their adult children need to educate them about.
Even the most easygoing parent may find conflicts unavoidable due to different values, expectations and personalities.
“Rather than try to eliminate conflicts, it is more meaningful to focus on defusing and managing conflicts,” says Jocelyn.
Rather than having to do damage repair later on, it is best to respectfully state your dealbreakers and boundaries right at the onset, especially if grandma and grandpa are the main caregivers during your work hours.
For instance, focus on the important things like health and safety, such as insisting on using a car seat, and hold firm. And if you are against corporal punishment, it is critical to voice it out early.
What is also helpful is creating clear roles and expectations for the grandparents, suggests Jocelyn, so that they know their boundaries.
At the same time, there is merit in being inclusive, involving the seniors in discussions and decisions regarding the kids. “By letting them send the kids to and from childcare or attending parent-teacher meetings or joining on doctor’s visits, they may better understand reasons for parents’ decisions,” says Jocelyn.
While old folks can be notoriously set in their ways, the Mott Poll Report painted a more optimistic picture. Among parents who asked a grandparent to be more consistent with parenting choices, 47 per cent reported that the grandparent changed their behaviour.
“This shows grandparents can adapt! While they may be slow to adjust, identify and highlight their efforts,” encouraged Jocelyn.
So don’t fly off the handle the next time an incident happens. Instead, take a breath and consider these suggestions:
Communicate tactfully
Start with what you appreciate most about your parents or in-laws and assume that their actions are backed by good intentions. Find out their reason for doing that certain thing that you disagree with before offering your point of view.
Jocelyn offers a template you can try: “I hear your concerns, though I see some things differently. Would you be willing to hear us out?”, or “I’m getting how you feel about this. While it wasn’t my intention for you to feel this way, I’m worried about potential consequences of this choice.”
Compromise graciously
Jocelyn shares her personal experience in this regard. As a first-time mum back in 2020, she experienced tremendous stress and anxiety, no thanks to Circuit Breaker happening right after her maternity leave and the uncertainty of a looming pandemic.
“In hindsight, I realised that my personal anxiety exaggerated the sense of disrespect I felt from minor infringements by my in-laws. I have since adjusted downwards my list of non-negotiables and exercised more flexibility in reaching a middle ground with them,” she shares.
The now-mother-of-two has learnt to live amicably with the seniors and chooses to address primarily repeated occurrences.
Acknowledge their point of view, but stay firm on yours
If you can’t come to an agreement on things, acknowledge that the seniors may have some valid points. But state firmly that as parents, you are responsible for making decisions for your child.
Weigh the pros and cons
While it is important to address disagreements when you frequently interact with the seniors, you might wish to hold back if, for example, the grandparents live abroad. “When gatherings are rare, it may not seem worthwhile to correct triggering behaviours,” says Jocelyn.
Absence makes the heart fonder
Sometimes a little time and space apart can help defuse tension. In the worst case of estrangement, explain the situation to your child in an age-appropriate way—do be mindful not to vilify their grandparents in the process. For instance, you may wish to say to an eight-year-old, “Grandma and I have been unkind to each other, so it is hard for us to get together right now.”
Seek professional help
For those who are open to the idea, family therapy can be helpful when things come to an impasse. In therapy, members learn to express their thoughts and emotions adaptively, prioritise issues of importance, identify strengths in the family, consider options to address problems and practise healthier patterns of relating to one another, explains Jocelyn.