Don't Let The Kids Destroy Your Marriage — Here's How

During my second trimester, when I was finally able to keep some food down and had eased into the whole “I can’t believe I am pregnant” thing, my husband and I sat down to discuss some fundamental issues. 

How important was breastfeeding to us? What would be his main duties once the baby comes? How soon would we want visitors over? How often would we have date nights?

The last question was a little difficult to answer. We knew that parent life would be chaotic, and with no helper or parents to help with the baby (both our parents are working full-time), it would be challenging to have some time to ourselves. Despite this, we were certain that we had to make the effort to prioritise our relationship as husband and wife.

We knew to have this discussion because we had seen our friends struggle. The challenges of parenthood had put their relationships to the test and we knew ours would be tested, too, so we decided to lay the cards out on the table.

Nevertheless, the real thing is tougher than we’d ever imagined. Raising our son demands so much from us, physically and emotionally. When he was young, we’d bicker over things like overfeeding. Today, it's the load of household chores on top of managing a toddler. Tensions can run high and we may not always feel heard or supported. 

However, ever so often, we’d remember to give each other a hug. We’d reflect on how the day went (with snacks in hand, of course), and try to iron out and even laugh at misunderstandings. We also eventually worked up the courage and trust to ask for babysitting help, or take an off day, so we can have time to ourselves. These little things are what help us stay sane and remind us we’re on the same page. 

Common reasons marriages fail after kids

Our struggle is not unique. Many couples find it difficult to stay connected amidst the challenges of parenthood. However, when couples are oblivious to “bad habits” that may cause them to drift apart and/or are not willing to put in the work, the results can have lasting effects on their marriage. 

According to Qi Zhai-McCartney, a therapist with Alliance Counselling who specialises in couples’ therapy and perinatal mental health, couples struggling with their relationship often complain of:

• The lack of time to spend quality time together, as by the time the kids are asleep they’d have no energy left to do anything but passively watching Netflix and passing out
• The constant bickering and criticism or, for conflict-avoiding couples, less frequent discussions that eventually settle into a “roommate” situation
• The twin dynamics of one parent feeling like they’re “doing it all alone” and the other parent feeling like their opinion doesn’t matter

When partners do not communicate the right way

However, the situations above are merely “surface issues”. The true underlying cause is poor communication. 

“When there are no children, there is plenty of time to talk and do fun things, but when a couple has not developed a habit of healthy communication, there is more room for misunderstanding and misinterpretation [when the baby comes]. This can lead to alienation and resentment. The more abandoned we feel from our partner not responding to our needs – which we may not have communicated well in the first place – the less we are primed to be responsive to their needs in return,” shares Qi. 

Communicating does not mean discussing household logistics, either. This keeps the family operating but not connecting, she says. Instead, couples would greatly benefit from more “emotional conversations”, such as what goes on in each other’s hearts and minds. 

Articulating your thoughts on the type of values you want to impart to your children – such as managing screen time, and the role of spirituality and religion – also prevent one partner from feeling resentful over having to raise the child in the “right way” alone.

And when tough issues arise, try not to criticise each other or respond with defensiveness. Instead, find the opportunity to talk about the things that you both did well together and individually, as well as things that the both of you can do better next week. 

When the Parent role eclipses the Partner role 

Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room, which specialises in marital and relationship counselling, says some couples may be unknowingly prioritising the children’s needs over their relationship. 

“This results in a lack of in-depth understanding of each other’s emotions and needs, and creates disconnection between husbands and wives. When this happens, partners feel neglected, lonely and resentful. Eventually, they will find difficulties in resolving arguments, experience a drop in affection and intimacy, and feel a lack of trust and safety in their relationship,” she shares.

To avoid this, it is important for spouses to prioritise the Parent role without abandoning the Partner role, says Qi.

“This means not putting the child first in everything and being mindful in your interactions. If you start parenting by sacrificing the couple’s life entirely, it will be very hard to bring that back without intentional effort. It can look as simple as listening to your partner speak rather than ‘shushing’ them as soon as a child cries or asks for mummy or daddy,” she adds.

However, there is one other role that is often neglected when a baby comes along – the Self. Not intentionally setting aside time for oneself to recharge and simply have fun can also lead to negative feelings about the marriage. 

“The role of a spouse, and one’s self-identity, can suffer when the role of the parent takes over. When you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s going to feel hard to feel good about your marriage,” Qi explains.

What can parents do to keep their relationships strong?

#1 Adopt a win-win solution in decision-making

“Marriage is not about comparing who is better. Always take time to understand each other’s perspective before jumping to conclusions. A win-win policy allows couples to tap on each other’s strengths to achieve their marriage/family goal,” says Theresa.

#2 Be emotionally attuned to each other

Emotional connection is the key to a resilient marriage. Even checking in for 15 minutes a day by asking your partner how they are feeling can help maintain a deep connection. However, partners should also be mindful about their response. 

“It’s not about problem-solving or laying blame. You’re here to listen and understand your spouse’s subjective experience of that moment. Feelings are subjective, not factual; you live in the same space and go through the same events, but you may have very different experiences of it. Listening can help you understand each other better,” shares Qi.

And while doing so, don’t forget to maintain physical touch. “Maintaining eye contact and some form of physical touch releases oxytocin, which promotes bonding,” she adds.

#3 Do something fun together 

It is important to balance out memories of difficult moments with joyful ones. Two things can exist at the same time; though things are indeed busy, couples can still make time to take a walk, play a video game together, or send each other funny memes. Such positive memories will keep you going when your patience and energy levels run low.

#4 Set boundaries with family and friends

“Do not feel guilty saying “no” to people for behaviours and approaches that affect your relationship. Gently turn down their offers, but provide alternatives. By doing so, it will help to protect your marriage while maintaining a healthy relationship with your circle,” shares Theresa.

#5 Avoid “buying” your kid’s loyalty

When parents are facing conflict with each other, they may want to be seen as the “preferred parent”. As a result, a parent may attempt to “buy loyalty” by giving in or over-indulging the children. However, this will lead to disciplinary issues.

“Parents should also avoid making them into ‘messenger boys/girls’ or forcing them to take sides. This affects their mental and emotional well-being in the long run,” says Theresa.

#6 Seek help

Being a parent is a journey. As families go through different seasons in life, there are bound to be challenging periods where parents can benefit from a little help or new perspectives. A professional who is trained in marital/couple counselling or therapy can help families/couples navigate some of these hard times.