How To Break Bad News To A Child: A Behavioural Therapist Shares 3 Steps
A behavioural therapist outlines three steps that can help you break bad news - however big or small - to a child
By Lin Tan -
Parenting can often feel like one of life's biggest mysteries. You're basically left in control of a life (or two, or three) without any kind of instruction manual. It would have been nice if there was a module in polytechnic or university that taught everyone the basic theories and tenets of parenting, child development, and education – but there isn't.
It sometimes feels like the older your child gets, the less you know, and something as simple as sharing information and talking to them, can often feel fraught – after all you don't want to say the wrong thing and scar them for life.
In particularly, breaking bad news to a child can seem incredibly hard, even over the simplest things such as, "you can't get that new bag for your birthday," or " we're not going out to East Coast Park playground this weekend because I'm ill." It becomes even harder when it's something difficult like death. "When my grandmother passed away, I hid it from my child," says parent Sharon*. "I didn't want to deal with a crying tantrum when I have my hands full with the funeral."
To help better understand what kids understand (and don't), we turn to child behavioural therapist Xin Xuan from Mindful Bear for some tips on how to break bad news to children.
How do toddlers and young children understand “bad” things and “bad” news?
Xin Xuan: It is difficult for us to really know if children can differentiate between the two. One thing is for sure however – children can understand differences in tones.
Research shows that children as young as six months can start to understand tones, even before they understand words. Therefore parental tone when communicating plays a huge part. For example, if your child failed a math test, you may use a more disappointed tone when addressing the issue. However, if a grandparent has passed away, your tone would indicate this is something much more upsetting.
Children may then associate the tones and emotions with similar scenarios in the future, better “understanding” the two.
Xin Xuan: From the ages of five to seven. Once they start going to primary school, children will gradually start to understand that death is permanent and assimilate feelings that come with this understanding.
Before this age group, children may have difficulty understanding abstract concepts such as “gone forever”.
Bad things happen all the time, how much is too much for young children to take?
Xin Xuan: Different children process news differently. However, most children are curious. To break a piece of unpleasant news (eg. the death of a loved one) to these curious children it is important to not “hide” crucial information.
If parents sieve out necessary information, children may self-conclude answers to the gaps in their understanding and develop feelings of anxiety or guilt that they may be accountable for the unpleasant news. It is therefore important to give children honest age-appropriate answers for the questions they may have. This method tends to offer a good balance for children.
A little closer to home – how do you explain parents' quarrelling to children?
Xin Xuan: Research has suggested that parental disagreements can negatively affect a child’s mental health. Leaving children to independently process emotions of parental disagreements can lead them to draw unhealthy conclusions (e.g. it is their fault).
To explain the disagreement, first acknowledge that a conflict happened and allow the child to express his/her opinions on the incident. Often, it would be filled with questions.
It is then important to reassure that it was not the child’s fault, the child is safe and you are on a path to working things out and the child will continually be loved nonetheless.
Finally, could you give us an example of a healthy way to break bad news to children?
Xin Xuan: We can always follow 3 steps – calming down, empathise, and repair.
Taking the example of being unable to go to East Coast Park because mama is ill. We first try to calmly explain the situation that it is unfortunate that mama is ill, and mama did not want it to happen as well.
Next, understand that going to the East Coast Park playground may have been something that the child was looking forward to the whole week and a tantrum can be expected. Express that empathy explicitly and make it clear that you know how important it was.
Following, you can work on repairing their feelings of disappointment, anger etc. by offering an alternative. For example, another East Coast Park trip two days later, after mama has recovered.