Infertility Nearly Ruined Our Marriage. This Is How We Saved It

Dealing with infertility is tough on couples. You’re dreaming of having a family but there are roadblocks along the way, many of which you have no control over. For Candie* and her husband, this infertility journey lasted eight years. Although they welcomed a daughter in 2021, the route wasn’t an easy one. In addition to the usual stresses involved in the infertility process, the couple also had to deal with four miscarriages and being apart for months on end, thanks to a global pandemic.

The couple got married in March 2013 and tried for over a year and a half to conceive naturally. When they had no success, they decided to see a doctor for check-ups and discovered that Candie had issues such as blocked fallopian tubes and low AMH, which stands for anti-müllerian hormone and shows the level of your egg supply. A low level means your egg supply is shrinking, therefore your chances of getting pregnant are low.

The doctor recommended they try in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) so they did their first cycle at the end of 2014, with no success. In 2016, Candie became pregnant twice – through natural conception – but both ended in miscarriages. The 41-year-old consultant returned to her native China for keyhole surgery in May 2017 as she discovered she had mild endometriosis in a preliminary check-up. The doctor removed adhesions as well as some cysts. 

Later returning to Singapore to continue the IVF process, an IVF cycle the couple tried in March 2018 resulted in one embryo, so this was implanted and the couple finally had some good news – Candie was pregnant. Unfortunately, she suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. 

The whole process was taking a toll on Candie and she even contemplated options such as going to countries like Russia, Thailand or the United States to try surrogacy as those countries had more lax laws for such issues compared with Singapore. Her aunt suggested getting treatment in China as she has family there so she would get a lot of emotional support. 

In 2019, the couple went through four rounds of IVF and ended up with two embryos that could be transferred. Candie got pregnant through one of these embryos but miscarried in March 2020. 

“It was very heartbreaking as I wanted to know why it was happening,” she recalls. “There was a constant feeling of ‘why me’ and ‘why again’ but there was no real conclusion as to why it happened. All the doctors could tell me was it was because of abnormal chromosomes as it was before the three-month mark.” 

How Covid disrupted our journey

This was when Covid hit so their plans had to come to a halt. They still had one more embryo left in storage in China so the couple discussed when they could go back for it. However, as her husband isn’t a Chinese citizen, he was unable to travel there because of Covid restrictions. 

Candie made the journey to China by herself and the clinic conducted a series of tests to improve her chances of a successful pregnancy. “They did a sample of my womb lining to test the bacteria balance, in order to figure out the optimal window for implanting the embryo,” she explains. “It was our last chance so I wanted to get the best time to do the transfer to increase the success rate.”

She did three rounds of tests, with each round taking two months. It tested for bad bacteria and she was given antibiotics to fight them. After three rounds, Candie felt the tests had gone on for long enough and opted to try to get pregnant then. She was in China with her family throughout this period, without her husband.  

I told my husband I wanted to stay in China to give birth. Obviously, he was really disappointed as it was such a big thing for us, especially after what we went through. But he had to accept the situation as our priority was to make sure our baby was fine.

Candie

“It was hard being away from my husband during this time, we missed each other a lot,” she confesses. “He kept himself occupied in Singapore and my family looked after me in China. I know many women who gave up their jobs while undergoing fertility treatments so I was lucky that I was still able to work while I was away.”

After the embryo transfer in March 2021, Candie had a positive pregnancy test. She planned to come back to Singapore after she hit the three-month “safety mark” but ended up staying in China throughout her pregnancy and delivered her daughter there. 

“Covid was still a thing then so I was really anxious about flying to Singapore,” she reveals. “I thought, what if something happens to me on the way back or while I was in Singapore? It was really torturous having all these thoughts.

“I told my husband I wanted to stay in China to give birth,” she adds. “Obviously, he was really disappointed as it was such a big thing for us, especially after what we went through. But he had to accept the situation as our priority was to make sure our baby was fine.”

Infertility was a crushing pressure on our relationship

Even though they got their happy ending in the form of a bundle of joy, Candie admits that going through fertility treatments and having miscarriages affected their relationship.

“There’s added stress for sure and the more you want to try, the more stressful it is,” she explains. “You need to find your own way of processing what you’re going through. Since it’s just the two of us, we tried to chill and do things together. 

“We also had to go for counselling as this is mandatory when doing IVF in Singapore,” she adds. “I did a few more sessions by myself too, as a form of mind-health check. But it was definitely frustrating to see pregnant women or women with babies, constantly asking myself ‘why me’.”

Tina Padia, founder and CEO of Tina Fertility Coach, acknowledges that going through fertility treatments has a huge impact on relationships. 

“Fertility treatments can feel like a massive weight on your relationship, like a boulder that’s impossible to move,” she reveals. “The stress can make it seem like you’re always tiptoeing around each other, trying not to say something that might set off an emotional storm. It’s tough when both of you are stressed and anxious but don’t really know how to support each other.”

There’s added stress for sure and the more you want to try, the more stressful it is

Candie

Apart from the heartbreak of unsuccessful IVF cycles, there’s also the financial strain as the costs can be staggering. Tina says that “this financial pressure only adds to the stress and can create more distance between you and your partner”. Thus, it’s not surprising that this affects intimacy between partners. 

“If you’re taking hormones and supplements, you are likely to feel bloated, nauseous and just not in the mood,” she elaborates. “It’s hard to keep intimacy alive when it starts to feel like a scheduled task rather than something you both enjoy. The mechanical nature of timed sex can leave both of you feeling disconnected.”

There could also be feelings of resentment and blame. And, if infertility is an issue, one partner might feel guilt or self-blame. 

“Men and women often handle emotions differently, which can make understanding each other even harder,” says Tina. “If your partner seems distant or overly logical, remind yourself that they’re hurting too, even if it doesn’t always show.”

The pain of miscarriage

And, when you throw a miscarriage(s) into the mix, this adds another layer of an intense sense of loss and paralysing grief. After seeing a positive test and going through early scans, the sudden loss can be crushing, says Tina.

“The pain and suffering and mental anguish is unbearable and so many couples struggle to make decisions around continuing treatment,” she adds. “The self blame and overwhelming emotions can make it hard to think clearly or make decisions about the next steps. You’re constantly asking yourself, ‘Did I do something wrong’ as it plays repeatedly on your mind.”

Tina advises couples to talk to each other and take dedicated time to connect. Ask each other, “What do you need right now?” and “How can we support each other better?” Sharing your feelings can help you both feel less alone, she says. 

It’s also essential to take a break from the fertility process as it’s easy to get caught up in it. Stepping back to focus on each other, travelling or just enjoying life can lighten the load and give you a different perspective on life and the future, says Tina. Also, prioritise each other over friends and family during this time. 

Fertility treatments can feel like a massive weight on your relationship, like a boulder that’s impossible to move. The stress can make it seem like you’re always tiptoeing around each other, trying not to say something that might set off an emotional storm. It’s tough when both of you are stressed and anxious but don’t really know how to support each other.

Tina Padia, founder and CEO of Tina Fertility Coach

“It’s tough, especially with outside pressures and opinions, but focusing on your relationship is crucial,” she explains. “I know it’s hard when you come from an Asian family or community as every relative has an opinion. It’s okay to set boundaries and put your partner first. In time, others will understand.”

“The road through fertility treatments is unpredictable and full of emotions you were never prepared for and it tests your relationship in ways you might not expect but trying to do it all by yourself is even harder,” she adds. “Work together, talk together, make memories together. Share the pain, share the joy and remind yourself and each other why you are together in the first place.”

Candie’s advice is to be honest with yourself and your spouse: “You should discuss what is acceptable in your fertility journey. For example, can you only accept your own child or are you open to using donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption? 

“It’s good to know each other’s boundaries. Once your lines are clear on where they are drawn, you’ll be a bit more relaxed,” she adds.

*not her real name

This article was originally published on Her World.