Millennial Mums On Their Relationships With Their Own Mothers
A Mothers’ Day tribute
By Victoria Tan -
Becoming a mum is a Pretty Big Deal, one which you don't always realise will affect all your relationships going forward. Of course as alien as the experience can be, most of us have had our mothers to look up to (or clash with) growing up, and oftentimes this can have an impact on our own parenting skills.
Mother's Day can be a time of reflection for mums. Thinking about how your relationship with your mother has impacted your relationship with your own kids and how you parent them. So in honour of Mother's Day, we asked eight mums to offer up a look at their relationships with their own mothers and tell us how that has influenced the way they parent.
"Now that I'm a mum, I realise how impactful words of affirmation and encouragement are to mothers"
“If I were to use a single word to describe my relationship with my mum during my growing up years, it would be ‘tense’. As a sensitive person who’s also a middle child, I constantly felt that my mum favoured my older and younger siblings. My adolescence was peppered with angsty outbursts, accusing my mum of playing favourites. I knew she was hurt by those incidents but it didn’t stop me from playing the victim card.
It was only after getting married and moving out that I realised what I had taken for granted – a clean and tidy home, nutritious home-cooked meals, and a mother who cared more about her children’s needs than her own. Despite our tense relationship, I always turn to my mum first when I am unwell or injured.
I even sought her help with my confinement period for both my children. She took time off work and was my main caregiver for the first six weeks of each of my children’s lives. Importantly, she supported me in my breastfeeding journey – that motivated me to keep going despite challenges and pushback from others. Despite waking up several times in the night to help me tend to my newborn, she never once complained or bore grudges. Of course we still had our differences and experienced some tension, but I was overall grateful to have her help.
Now that I am a mother, I realise how impactful words of affirmation and encouragement are to mothers. When I was younger, relatives would praise my mum for holding a full-time job while raising three children, and my mum would beam in a way I’d never seen before. I didn’t understand the significance of the compliment then, but I definitely do now. Motherhood is a full-time job that we can’t exactly quit. Showing kindness and empathy are definitely important forms of support.
To my mum: sorry for all the trauma and trouble I’ve caused. Thanks for accepting me for who I am, and showing me the value of hard work and setting high standards for myself. You are and will always be a key figure in my life. Love you!”
– Estelle Low, 35, mother of two aged 7 and 4
"I see a lot of my mum’s traits in the way I raise my own kids"
“Growing up, my mum always said that she was not our ‘friend’. It was only when I became a young adult that she let down those walls for us to be friends. I respect and appreciate that journey so much – even though we yearn to be close to our daughters, those early years are so important for learning and foundation. Now that I am a mother, I see a lot of my mum’s traits in the way I raise my own kids and it makes me smile. There were times when I used to be frustrated with my mum and I can see the same feelings in my daughter’s eyes. But as my mum said, we’re not here to be our children’s friend but to be the best mother and guide for them.
This Mothers’ Day, I want to thank her for always supporting me on my motherhood journey, never expecting perfection from me, but supporting me through all the difficult moments – from the challenging years of IVF and failed pregnancies, to being right there at the time of my babies’ birth, and getting up in the middle of the night to help me feed, and finally now being my friend and confidante.”
– Shireena Shroff Manchharam, 40, mother of two aged 13 and 9
“As a young girl, my mum and I spent a lot of time together – running errands, shopping or cooking and doing chores at home – but she was never one to ask me much about my personal life. When I became an adult and made some bad decisions, she was there to offer moral and financial support. Even though we don’t have the type of relationship where we share our deeper thoughts, I know I can always count on her in times of need.
Years before I became a parent, my mum declared she didn’t want to be the type of grandmother who babysits. However, when I had children of my own and needed help looking after them, she never said no, which I am very thankful for. Now that she’s suffering from dementia, I try to get my kids to help feed her and take care of her. It warms my heart to see them connect in these little ways.
While I wish my mum and I had opened up more to each other growing up, I’m still grateful for everything she’s given me. I know she did her best and gave all that she could, and I will always love her for that.”
– Filza Dorah, 43, mother of three aged 17, 15 and 12
"Even though my mum and I might not agree on everything, she would do anything for my kids"
“I always thought my mother was perfect growing up – always put together, always sociable, always throwing the best parties and making the most awesome food. I was first-generation Canadian and my mother's family was far away here in Singapore so she (and my dad) did just about everything themselves when it came to raising my sister and I.
Now that I am a mother, my understanding of the sheer amount of work and sacrifice she's made for our family is even more clear. As a child living overseas, my mother put in so much effort for birthday parties and kids' activities without any help from family (or Lazada). To this day, she still makes amazing birthday cakes for my kids and showers them with way too many toys.
I love watching my mum interact with my kids; they take so much pleasure in each other's company. I know that even though we might not agree on everything to do with parenting, my mother would do anything for my kids. And while she isn’t given to praise (like most Asian parents), she will bite off anyone’s head if they dare suggest I’m not doing a great job as a parent!”
– Karen Fong, 41, mother of two aged three and one
"I gained so much wisdom and insight about child-rearing from my own mother"
“You would think that as a paediatrician, I would know a lot about children even without being a mother myself but in fact, I gained so much wisdom and insight about child-rearing from my own mother. An example is the way she gently but firmly sets boundaries with my little one – my daughter almost never throws a tantrum when she’s with Grandma and in fact, behaves superbly!
This is pretty similar to how my own mum parented me. As a young adult, I got a lot of trust and freedom compared to my peers. I went backpacking in South America, on medical mission trips in subsaharan Africa, and on scuba diving and skiing trips, all without my parents. I used to think they were just very open-minded and nice, but now with my own child who I worry about incessantly, I finally realised how precious children are to parents, and just how challenging my adventures must have been for my dear mother!
This Mothers’ Day, I just want to thank her for always being my greatest supporter, believing in me and teaching me how to love. Hopefully after learning from the best, I will make a decent mother myself!”
– Zhong Youjia, 36, mother of an 18-month-old
"One thing that really inspires me about my mum is how giving she is"
“When I was a teenager, we were living abroad and I attended an international school where I was able to interact with friends of different races, cultures and religions. There were also ‘Western’ practices like proms, school dances and Valentine’s Day celebrations, all of which my mum strictly forbade, which made me feel very hurt and confused. It was only after I became a mother that I gradually understood why she did the things she did. Whatever negativity I held on to during my teenage years is slowly being replaced by empathy and compassion. I now see that she was doing the best of her capacity. This line of thinking also helps me be kind to myself whenever I feel like a ‘failure’.
One thing that really inspires me about my mum is how giving she is. She’s always so generous with everyone around her – from the cleaners and security guards to rubbish truck drivers and mothers whose children have special needs. It made me realise that while caring for our children is important, plenty of other things matter too. Ironically, I think putting time in for ourselves, our relationships and the community makes us better parents at the end of the day.”
– Nasuha Darke, 33, mother of three aged 8, 5 and 2
"After becoming a mother, I definitely started to understand my mother a lot more"
“I have many happy memories growing up – going for trips and long walks with my parents or even just making crafts together at home. There was some turbulence during my teenage years but overall, I would say I had a wonderful childhood. After becoming a mother, I definitely started to understand my mother a lot more, and how some of her behaviours stemmed from certain fears or worries. For example, she used to insist that my dad pick me up after a night out with friends instead of letting me come home on my own, which I resented at the time but can totally understand now.
My mum has been a great help to me ever since the birth of my child, staying with us for nearly a month to help take care of me and the baby. Now that my maternity leave has ended, my parents help to look after my daughter while I’m at work. My mum and my daughter adore each other, and it gives me a sense of peace knowing that they are both enjoying each other’s company. I know that my child is taken care of in the best possible way and as a mum, there’s no better feeling.”
– Marina Krecak, 36, mother of a 2-year-old
"Whenever I have doubts about my parenting skills or have worries about my children, she would advise me"
“When I was younger, I didn’t quite realise how much work my mum put in to ensure our lives ran smoothly – it was like things were getting done by magic, but it turns out she was the magician! It was only when I became a mother that it became clear to me what a great multi-tasker she was. Even when she was busy at work, she would still make time to call home to check on us and make sure we had our meals and done our homework.
Although we now live in two different countries, my mum continues to be my pillar of support. Whenever I have doubts about my parenting skills or have worries about my children, she would advise me, ‘Parenting doesn’t have to be so difficult or stressful if you stop comparing yourself to others and stick to your intuition because you know what is best of your child.’ I always feel better after talking to her because as a parent, we need that reassurance that we are doing the best for our children.”
– Pooja Kawatra, 43, mother of two aged 15 and nine-and-a-half