8 Ways To Protect Your Marriage When Your Mother-In-Law Hates You  

A contrived plot very familiar to TVB and TCS (now Mediacorp) drama fans, the vindictive mother-in-law is a tale as old as time. Unfortunately, fiction often imitates reality. We’ve all heard the stories, and it’s not the least bit entertaining when you are personally caught in such a situation. As discouraged and frustrated as you might feel, fear not, because your relationship can weather the storm of a not-so-pleasant mother-in-law. Here's your guide to keeping the marriage afloat.

1. There’s just Team “Us”

Think Bonnie and Clyde, minus the crime and with a lot more love. Your MIL might be the antagonist, but you two are the unbeatable dynamic duo. Firstly, make a conscious decision not to let your in-law issues get between you and your spouse. This means not internalising your mother-in-law’s badmouthing or pot stirring, and also not complaining to your spouse about his mother. Instead, speak with your spouse about how you feel in a non-accusatory way. Make your spouse (and marriage) your biggest priority, and present a united front—especially to the in-laws. 

2. It might not be about you

It’s hard not to take things personally. After all, it’s happening to you! Well, try and imagine this: she would’ve hated anyone your spouse brought home, because no one is good enough for her precious darling. Does that take some of the sting out of it? The problem is usually not with you, but with your spouse or your mother-in-law and their family. It could be an unhealthy attachment between mother and son, or a parent’s unreasonable expectations of an in-law. Whatever it is, the issue probably existed long before you came into the picture. Remembering this will help you stay calm when things get tough. 

3. Investigate

Sometimes, it could actually be something you did - or didn’t do. If you can, get to the bottom of it. “My MIL was mad at me for months because of a perceived slight which I was completely unaware of! She felt that I’d disrespected her by greeting her sisters at a family function first before greeting her. She was curt and cutting for months after that, and I only discovered why when I asked my sister-in-law one day,” L.T. shares. “I had to confront her with the matter and apologise profusely with gifts and great humility. It was awful.” 

4. Clear the air

This might go against all of your good Asian instincts, but consider taking a direct approach. If you’ve figured out the reason for why she dislikes you, a sincere apology might just do the trick. If you don’t know how you’ve offended her, and have the stomach for it, try gently “confronting” her by calmly saying what you have been observing, “Mum, you ignored me when I greeted you earlier, and also afterwards when I offered you a seat. Have I done something that might have upset you? I would sincerely like to apologise if I did.” She may be completely taken aback at this point, so give her some space, “You don’t have to answer me right now. We can talk whenever you feel ready. I would really like for us to get along, please let me know what I can do.”

5. Play the good child-in-law 

If none of that works, and your MIL remains an immovable stone-cold mountain, you have no other choice but to simply play the good daughter-in-law. She is after all your MIL, who carried your beloved in her womb for nine months and whose genes will live on in your children. She’s here to stay if you are. You may not be able to change her or your relationship with her, or alter her perception of you, but you can change your response to her by being kind, respectful. It also doesn’t hurt to show docility at times. 

6. No ultimatums

In fact, the best way to win your MIL over is to love your spouse well, and part of that is not forcing them to take sides in a battle between you and their mum or family of origin. Even if your in-law’s behaviour towards you is absolutely inexcusable, it really isn’t your spouse’s fault, so avoid blaming language. Your MIL is alone accountable for her attitude, not your spouse. Deanna Brann PhD, author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law, advises never to ask your spouse to choose between you and their family, because this can only lead to resentment.

7. Set healthy boundaries 

Being a good child-in-law doesn’t mean you should become a doormat. Be polite and respectful, but firm with your boundaries. Stand your ground and refuse to be manipulated or guilted. “One thing I would have done differently is to set clear boundaries from the beginning. I suffered for years living with my in-laws in what I felt was a very hostile environment,” Jessica shares, “I should have insisted that we moved out and got our own place.” It may be something else for you - maybe she’s making you feel like a bad mother, by criticising your parenting choices or giving unsolicited advice about how to raise your child. Try saying politely, “I know you love us and are trying to help, but this is our decision as parents and we really hope you can support us.”   

8. Call out the good

Try this exercise: make a list - gun for at least three - of your MIL’s positive traits. Does she cook well? Is she kind to stray cats? Maybe she dotes on your baby, or buys food for your helper. Or this - she loves your spouse and has raised a guy you can proudly stand next to. When you’ve identified her finer qualities, try this next exercise: compliment her. Call out those good things you see in her and thank her for them - yes, even for feeding the stray cat. Gratitude is a powerful double-edged salve—it softens your heart towards her and, hopefully, her heart towards you!