7 Trigger Phrases Not To Say To Stay-At-Home Mums

Being a stay-at-home mum (SAHM) is a lonely job because not many people understand what we go through on a day-to-day basis. Underneath the happy family pictures portrayed on social media and kids who seemingly grow up in blink of an eye, the hard work, tears, sweat and heartbreaks are unbeknownst to most. Ultimately, it takes a fellow stay-at-home parent to truly understand another.

I am a mother of four who has been a SAHM for nearly 15 years and up to this day, even my closest family and friends do not totally get it when it comes to my “job”. Yes, I do think being a SAHM is a full-time job that should be respected although we don’t earn a cent.

Some of the questions and comments we receive can make us feel emotionally charged and bring about feelings like angst, exasperation, injustice and even unworthiness. From my years of experience, here are seven trigger phrases not to say to a SAHM.

1. "How nice to be a Tai Tai!"

My life is far from that of a Tai Tai’s. I don’t go for mani-pedis, I don’t visit spas, I hardly have time for shopping and I go to the salon once a year for a haircut. If I have the time and money - which I honestly don’t, I would still choose to prioritise my kids’ needs over mine.

Contrary to the Tai Tai image, my hair is often dishevelled and I wear baggy tees and slippers for comfort. And the bag that I carry with me every day is the diaper bag I got from the hospital when I gave birth to my son.

I am not saying that SAHMs shouldn’t love or pamper themselves from time to time because I do know the importance of self-care. It's just that as a primary caregiver to my kids, I hardly have the luxury of me-time.

2. "Why don't you get a job?"

People might see us as unemployed but the truth is SAHMs work very hard nearly 24/7. Even if we don’t get a salary, bonus or annual leave, or that we can only tick off ‘Housewife’ or ‘Homemaker’ under profession when we fill up any form, it should never negate the amount of work we do. That includes keeping the home together, tackling the never-ending chores and most importantly, nurturing the kids. In my opinion, giving birth is not as hard as raising kids. The real work begins when we cradle our offspring for the first time. 

3. "You must watch a lot of TV."

Again, an insinuation that SAHMs have lots of time on their hands. I admit I do watch TV but it’s usually done with my kids. For instance, we watch game shows, news, animal documentaries and have our weekly movie nights. Other times, we would be watching kiddy shows like Cocomelon and Paw Patrol that my younger ones enjoy or K-pop dances that my older ones like. My me-time comes mainly after they all go to bed. But by then, I’m usually too tired to head to the living room to watch a show and would rather scroll through social media to unwind.

4. "Are your kids worth your sacrifice?"

The word "sacrifice" gets to me because most people think that I gave up a lot for my kids, including my career, education and even a life of my own. What they don’t see is what I get in return, and it always makes me emotional trying to explain this. 

To be able to watch the kids grow and stay by their side every minute of every day, that is what I call a privilege, not a sacrifice. There are mums out there who would love to stay home but are unable to due to lack of support, financial constraints or other personal reasons. I feel lucky to get to walk this path and look after my kids on my own since day one.

5. "Why are you still so tired?"

Have you tried taking care of four kids, including a fiesty teenager and a needy toddler, on your own with no help at all? If not, please don’t critique my big eye bags or ask why I am not getting enough sleep.

After having four kids in the last decade and a half, I am accustomed to dealing with pee leaks, night feeds, meltdowns, sibling rivalry and incessant tantrums . But that doesn’t make them any less exhausting. And the truth is I am still learning to be a good mum and overcoming challenges every single day.

6. "Do you have a phobia of maids?"

This question was posed by an acquaintance. We were not close but she knew that I was a stubborn mum who refused to get help even when I had my fourth kid. I don’t ask our parents to babysit the kids, I don’t hire any part-time helper and I chose to do my own confinement with the help of a confinement food delivery service.

It all boils down to our individual desires and preferences. In my case, I choose to take on every chore myself but have gotten used to a messy house, unwashed laundry and takeaway food because more often than not, I can’t do it all. My kids and I prefer to do things on our own. We hold the fort at home while the hubby, who is in the navy, battles it out at sea.

So no thank you, I don’t have a phobia of maids - if there is even such a thing. I respect your preferences and hopefully you’ll understand mine one day too.

7. "One day, you might regret this."

Honestly, this does make me queasy because it is indeed something I ponder about from time to time. I can’t say with certainty that I would not one day look at my past and lament how things would have turned out had I chosen a different path. This is especially so if the kids are all grown up and I’ve reached the age where I can’t integrate back into the workforce while my peers have stable jobs and a retirement fund or pension to fall back on.

Living for the present

While I can’t foresee the future, I am sure that right here right now, being a SAHM for my young kids is what I want to do. These growing up years are fleeting, and there is no second shot at doing this. I don’t have the power to rewind time or make my kids small again. So it’s now or never and with all my heart, I choose now. I feel so strongly about this yet it’s hard to put it in words for someone else. All I know is if I don’t stay home to be with the kids while I still can, I will most certainly be regretful.

So the next time you meet up with a friend who happens to be a SAHM, try showing some concern and understanding rather than make assumptions about what she does at home or diss her efforts in raising her kids. We are all trying our best in our different roles and choosing to stay home to build a family doesn’t make us any less worthy.

Summer Goh is a stay-at-home mum of four who loves eating chocolates, and sees the cup as half-full in life. She shares her life snippets as well as the ups and downs of parenting at www.ahappymum.com and @ahappymum.