Dealing With Dad Guilt: 4 Fathers Share How
Dad guilt is real, say these men we spoke to for Father’s Day 2023
By The Weekly -
Dealing with “dad guilt”, for starters, requires you to stop beating yourself up for it. All four men The Singapore Women’s Weekly spoke to for our Father's Day 2023 feature say dad guilt is real.
Members of Parliament Tan Kiat How and Jamus Lim spend many weekends and evenings serving their respective communities on top of their day jobs. Kiat How, from East Coast GRC, is the Senior Minister of State for Communications & Information and National Development. Meanwhile, Jamus, who’s from Sengkang GRC, is an associate professor at Essec Business School.
For other dads, the challenge of spending quality time with their youngsters goes beyond busy work schedules. Radio DJ Shan Wee and actor Allan Wu have children from their respective previous marriages. Shan’s sons live with their mum in Bali; Allan’s son and daughter, with his ex-wife Wong Li-Lin.
Read on and find out how the men cope with dad guilt.
“My major dad guilt comes from not being able to spend as much time as I’d like with my family, especially in the evenings and on weekends, because MPs have many commitments during those times. As such, we’ve had to schedule family time, rather than allow it to occur spontaneously. I do miss being able to read the bedtime story to our daughter on a more regular basis; so when the opportunity presents itself, I’d do so even if I am tired.”
Read Jamus' philosophical reflections on fatherhood here.
“The boys live with their mum in Bali, where they attend the private Green School. They are back with me every school holiday, but a great deal of their life is spent away from me. It is sadly a reality I have gotten used to. I try to connect on FaceTime but of course 10- and 8-year-olds have many more things they would rather do on their iPad than talk to Dad! It's been very difficult to feel truly involved in their day-to-day lives.
I don't think I feel dad guilt very keenly. Perhaps I have an overarching sense that my kids aren't getting the life I’d hoped for them. But my kids have a good, rich and varied life so I never feel hard done by. That’s how I try to keep things in perspective."
Read about Shan's challenges with coparenting and stepparenting here.
Tan Kiat How, Senior Minister of State for Communications & Information and National Development, has a 3-year-old son.
“When Isaac was 1, he was learning to speak simple words. Every day he saw me, I’d be getting ready to leave home for work, so he’d say: "Dada, bye bye." Do I feel bad? Of course! He must have felt that I was always walking away from him!
Having said that, though, I try not to dwell in dad guilt. I don’t look at the rear-view mirror and wonder if I could have done things differently. I try not to let the guilt get to me; otherwise, I may reflect this guilt onto somewhere or someone else, or even on my child. I prefer to look forward - if this is the all the time I get with him, I’ll make it quality time with him.”
Read about how Kiat How does fatherhood here. (He's "the fall guy".)
“Yes, I struggle with dad guilt! I try my best to spend time with them, but sometimes if they don’t want to see me, at least I’ve done my part to reach out.
I have tried to be the father I strived to be. My father was a very traditional dad. He spent a lot of time at work. I’m totally fine with that! But when I became a dad, I thought I wanted to be more involved with my children’s lives. I wanted to teach them important values and skills that I felt were important.”
Read about how Allan does coparenting, and why he doesn't consider himself a tiger dad.