Why Tan Kiat How No Longer Calls Himself An "Old Dad"
For the MP and Senior Minister of State for Communications & Information and National Development, age is just a number
By The Weekly -
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To mark Father’s Day 2023, The Singapore Women’s Weekly got cosy with four celebs to hear their dad stories – how they find work-family balance, how silly they can get for their kids, and… how they deal with dad guilt (yes, it’s real).
It was during a house visit at East Coast GRC - where he has served since 2020 - that PAP MP Tan Kiat How unlearnt and relearnt some things about fatherhood. When the 46-year-old shared how he had to do stretching exercises before playing catch with his 3-year-old son Isaac, an elderly lady laughed.
“Auntie told me, ‘you are not old at all! My brother is 59, and his wife 53. And they just had twins!’ Age, really, is just a number. I’ve since stopped saying that I’m an old dad!” says Kiat How.
Medical progress, healthier diets and lifestyle choices have contributed to increased life expectancy, he adds. “It doesn’t matter if you have your first child at 35 or 45 - either way, there will be challenges. What matters more is your attitude towards becoming a parent and that you are enjoying time with your child.”
For Kiat How, the challenges of fatherhood were compounded by Covid-19. Isaac was born several days before National Day in 2020. “Due to circuit breaker and social distancing measures, we experienced a lot of difficulty. I couldn’t be in the delivery theatre when he was born. My wife and I couldn’t get a confinement nanny; our parents couldn’t visit us. We were, literally, on our own,” he shares.
“We couldn’t go out to the stores; we ended up buying everything online. Isaac was born slightly preterm and I remember rushing my wife to the hospital. As she was being wheeled into the delivery theatre, she was rushing to complete her transactions for items like milk powder.”
Isaac’s arrival also coincided with Kiat How’s first month in politics. Trained as a computer engineer, he had spent 20 years in public service, including as CEO of the Infocomm Media Development Authority. After becoming an MP in July, he was appointed Minister of State with the Prime Minister’s Office and the Ministry of National Development.
Kiat How’s little boy clearly sparks immense joy - he appears occasionally on the MP’s Instagram account, much to the delight of Kiat How’s followers. “I enjoy being a father tremendously. Isaac is very active, loves asking questions, and laughs at about everything,” he says.
What do you enjoy most about fatherhood?
Isaac turns 3 in August. He’s a cheeky boy. He wants to run around, he wants to be hugged, he picks up new words very easily, he is amazed by many things. He loves our 2 dogs - we adopted them from SPCA - and calls them “gor gor” and “jie jie”. When he started pre-school, he’d tell his teacher he had 2 siblings and they ate off the floor. We were quite amused.
Your favourite activities to do with Isaac?
We just chill together. I try to spend some time with him every evening, reading, drawing, playing with puzzles, or listening to his favourite Baby Shark songs. He gets to choose his own music on Spotify and we sing a mix-and-match of songs like “Daddy Finger” and “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round”. Oh, that’s the only time he’s allowed to use the phone.
But he knows what the phone is - he’s seen us order food and groceries on it, and once asked if he could order his own milk and diapers. Recently, we allowed him to try taking photos - he is quite good at it!
Does he get any other screen time?
No. We don’t have a TV at home, so he doesn’t get to watch it. Studies have shown that excessive screen time can affect a child’s language, literacy and cognitive development. It also inhibits his or her ability to pay attention and think clearly. But he knows what a TV is because he’s seen it outside. [Laughs]
Who’s the bad cop and good cop at home?
There is only one cop at home - my wife. She sets the rules; Isaac is more afraid of her. When he is naughty, my wife would go: “I count to 5, and you better stop that.” And he does! I seem to be the fall guy. Once, my wife asked him: “Who spilled the hand lotion on the floor?” and he went, “Oh, daddy spilled it.”
How do you deal with “dad guilt”?
When Isaac was 1, he was learning to speak simple words. Every day he saw me, I’d be getting ready to leave home for work, so he’d say: “Dada, bye bye.” Do I feel bad? Of course! He must have felt that I was always walking away from him!
Having said that, though, I try not to dwell in dad guilt. I don’t look at the rear-view mirror and wonder if I could have done things differently. Guilt-tripping myself is not going to be productive. I try not to let the guilt get to me; otherwise, I may reflect this guilt onto somewhere or someone else, or even on my child. I prefer to look forward - if this is all the time I get with him, I’ll make it quality time with him.
What’s the secret to spending quality time with your child?
As a responsible parent, it’s a given to have to give up something - for example, dinner with your friends - so as to make time with the child. It is important to set out priorities; I’d say it’s quite similar to saving money. Upon receiving your salary, you put aside savings first, then spend the remaining amount. That way, it’s easier to achieve your goal.
What lessons do you want to impart to Isaac?
Loyalty, compassion, honesty, integrity... I hope that he grows up to help and positively impact others, and contribute to society. I want him to be happy; his name in Hebrew means “laughter”.
What have you learnt from him then?
Gosh, I think I learnt more from him than he learnt from me. Spending time with a child is a learning experience. Once I learnt to put myself in his shoes and see the world through his eyes, I began to understand why he’s fixated on seemingly small things and why he becomes angry when his favourite toy is removed. Everything around him is new and he wants to explore this world. He could be thinking, for example: do all the tissues need to be in a tissue box - why can’t they be outside the box instead?
I am learning to explore the world with him. As adults, we often become so busy we’ve forgotten how to appreciate the small things in life, how to stop and admire the trees, flowers and stars. By listening to and answering his questions - are stars like planes? Do they move? - I also discover more about our world.
Gen Alpha is growing up in a world filled with many challenges, including climate change, increased digitisation, and mental health issues. How do you as a parent prepare Isaac for the future?
I haven’t met any parent who doesn’t worry about his or her child’s future. It’s human nature. But I’m not gloomy about the future - every generation has its own challenges and opportunities. If you look only at the challenges, you may become despondent. Case in point: our grandparents also had their own challenges - such as war and economic hardship - to overcome? And they survived.
As a parent, it’s my responsibility to enable my child to succeed. To do that, I work hard to help create a society he will be proud to call home. This society will equip him with skill sets necessary to give him a brighter future and he will have greater confidence to take our country forward. That’s why I decided to join politics; I wanted to contribute to the right governance that will help preserve this society we have built to ensure equal opportunity to succeed. I want to be proud of what I have left behind for my child.
Your go-to resource(s) for fatherhood?
I often refer to the books I received from DPM Heng Swee Keat, who also represents East Coast GRC. Soon after Isaac was born, he called me into his office and handed me a large bag filled with 10 books. He had been Minister for Education from 2011 to 2015, hence researched massively on pedagogical development in children. And these were titles he’d shortlisted for me to read!
I also visit National Library Board E-resources a lot. I browse through their materials on parenting. And there’s so much information here! I use Google, most recently to search for information on high fever because Isaac was running a temperature of over 40 deg C. I realised there was a flu bug going around. With Google, I think it’s important to do your own homework and cross-check with different sources, especially if you come across contradictory information.
If you could, what policy would you introduce to support parents here?
I’d introduce a preparation course for first-time parents. It will allow them to find out more about themselves and their spouse so they can become better couples and parents. When a child arrives, the dynamics between a husband and wife will change and this course can help them cope. The more I discovered about my wife, the more I cherished her. I hope she feels the same about me [laughs]. You can say that this is Isaac’s greatest gift to us.
Photography: Jasper Yu
Fashion styling: Angela Chu
Hair & makeup: Sha Shamsi
Location: InterContinental Singapore
In this video, watch how Kiat How answers questions from Gen Alpha. He shares his thoughts on "ting xie" (Chinese spelling), and whether we could spend just 2 days at school/work and the other 5 days at home!
Tap play to find out what went on.