I Love My Baby, But I'm Angry
A mix of pain, sleep deprivation, and unkind thoughts about my new body marked my first days of motherhood
By Eliza Y -
The shift in my reality came not when I first held my son – this beautiful moment I had mentally prepared for – but the hours after my husband had left my side.
As first-time parents, we were clueless about postpartum. Confident that I could survive the first night alone, we shrugged off the hospital package that includes my husband staying the night. We were so caught up in preparing for the labour that it didn’t occur to us how physically and emotionally drained I would be after.
My body felt like it went through a battering. I spent the night crying and sleep-deprived, paranoid that I would accidentally fall asleep and suffocate my baby.
I also felt completely disassociated from my own reflection.
Curious as to what my tummy looked like post-birth, I had carefully lifted my hospital gown up and looked into the mirror. Honestly, I didn’t know what I expected, but what I saw made my heart sink. What was taut and full just hours before now rested limply against my body, wrinkled and deflated. I didn’t recognise that body. It felt alien, disconcerting even.
This crazy mix of pain, sleep-deprivation, and unkind thoughts about my “awful new body” marked my first days into motherhood — and no one told me it would feel this way.
Before I scare you, I must say that after a few months – thanks to healthy confinement meals and post-natal massages – things started to look and feel normal-ish again. Today, I love my body for what it is: strong. Looking back, however, I realised that confronting the physical changes in my body was just one small part of my matrescence journey.
Matrescence describes the period of adjustment that every mother goes through after birth. Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, matrescence is often likened to adolescence: your body is undergoing changes, you’re experiencing big emotions, and the world seems a little scarier than before.
While the duration for each mother differs, one thing is certain: there is a huge identity shift after each baby and it affects the way you think and act. For some women who have longed to be a mother all their lives, this shift might feel like things falling into place. But for the rest of us, motherhood is a brand-new reality that we sometimes struggle to fit into the jigsaw of our identity.
As we come to terms with being a mother (especially in that difficult newborn period that’s so aptly termed the fourth trimester) this change can manifest itself as a whole slew of emotions, and very often guilt and self-recrimination come into the mix as we struggle to reconcile our idea of what we “should” be as a mother and our very human emotions.
One night, after my husband and I struggled (yet again) to put our son to sleep, I felt my anger boiling over. I handed him back to my husband, kicked away the empty cot next to me, and stomped out of the room – immediately feeling regret and relief at the same time.
Such emotional complexities happen often for mothers.
Joy. Irritation. Guilt. Rinse and repeat.
Eventually, I learnt to regulate my emotions and take a minute before I react. It’s only natural to experience feelings like anger, helplessness, and guilt when you’re trying to keep a small human being alive while running on very little sleep. Acknowledging and making space for these emotions is important — because apart from being a mother, you’re still a person with emotional needs. But with time and grace, trust that you too will find your rhythm and learn to anticipate what you and your baby need.
What was that eye twitch? Is he overheating?
What if he accidentally drinks tap water during his bath?
Despite being a wonderful and hands-on father, my husband doesn’t get why I overanalyse.
Honestly, I don’t blame him. There’s a special bond between mother and child that comes with nine months of pregnancy, feeling the kicks, and going through the trauma of birth together. These experiences bond the baby and mother in an extraordinary way.
It’s no wonder that “mummy brain” kicks in — your body literally reshapes your brain to take on the behavioural, mental and emotional tasks of caregiving.
Case in point? Pre-baby, I didn’t care much for kids. Postpartum, I was so tuned-in to my son’s needs that I would wake up just as he was stirring.
It can start as early as pregnancy, when you experience symptoms like forgetting whether you took a shower this morning. For those who have always prided themselves on their memory, this change can feel debilitating. But it happens for a good reason — studies have shown that the changes are actually preparing you for maternal attachment and better attunement to your newborn’s needs.
So “mummy brain” doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing; it invokes that mama-bear instinct and helps you to be a better parent. It’s important to be kind to yourself while these mental and physiological changes are happening.
If you don’t recognise the body in the mirror, and if nothing you own fits the same way, are you still the same person?
For some time, I hated going out. I just didn’t feel like myself. But as someone who enjoys fashion, I was committed to solving this sartorial problem. I ruthlessly decluttered my wardrobe and invested in quality outfits that complimented my new figure and identity.
With a newfound confidence, everything else started falling into place.
There’s this myth that one has to “bounce back” physically after giving birth, and it doesn’t help when we see celebrities and influencers showing off their miraculously flat tummy or fitting into their pre-pregnancy jeans just a few weeks after birth.
It only creates pressure on new mothers to “regain” their figure after nine months of pregnancy, when in reality motherhood is a whole new season that requires adjustment and acceptance. Most of us don’t have access to private trainers or even the luxury of a helper, so it’s natural to feel frustrated and helpless when it takes longer to shed the pregnancy weight.
On the bright side, becoming a mom has also taught me to prioritise and be more efficient. Who has time for naysayers, or social gatherings that don’t bring value to your life? I’ve got a baby to keep alive, and only precious few hours to spare.
At the end of your adolescence, you definitely weren’t the same person physically, emotionally, and mentally — and the same goes for this period of change called matrescence. There are going to be good days when you feel on top of the world, and days when you’re questioning your decisions.
But don’t sweat the small stuff. Being a mom is for life, and instead of fighting the changes, embrace each season as it comes and all the rich diversity of the motherhood experience.