Letter To My Firstborn: You Gave Me The Most Important Job

My dearest firstborn,

When you were born, so was I — as a mother.

Your arrival has had a profound impact on the mother I am today. I learned the art of patience, resilience, and selfless giving because of you.

Before you, my life was about me, me and me.

Because of you, I learned that I’m not always the most important person in the room.

This humbling started from the time I was pregnant with you.

While you were in my belly, all I wanted was to live my life as normally as possible. Perform my job, do whatever I wished and eat whatever I wanted. I didn’t want people giving up their seats, or giving me concessions just because I was pregnant. I wanted to prove myself a lot. While fighting fatigue, I tried to fight pregnancy labels like “mum brain”. I didn’t want to be penalised at work. Mentally, I was all over the place but I didn’t know it then.

When your growth wasn’t on track, my doc ordered me to take a break from work — she gave me hospitalisation leave and ordered me to consume more protein like eggs and beef. All I craved back then was carbs, but I had to force myself to eat more meat. She even threatened to induce labour at 32 weeks if your growth didn’t prove satisfactory. That was when I crumbled (how could a doctor be so cruel as to talk about evicting a foetus from my nourishing womb?), and she uttered matter-of-factly with a hint of disdain: “It’s not about you, it’s about your baby!”

Those tactless words were a slap to my face. They were also a rude awakening for me as a mum-to-be. From that point, I started reconciling with the fact that my life would no longer be just about me, and that there are greater things to care about.

I can’t say I didn’t feel resentment towards you. You were just a foetus, yet you had already overturned my life and taught me an important lesson.

You were there for my parenting fails.

Living with the shame of your stunted foetal growth history, I tried to make up for it after you were born. By working up an oversupply of breast milk of course. In the foggy fourth trimester, I decided to follow internet advice of pumping milk right after breastfeeding you, to relieve my engorged boobs and build up my milk supply. Little did I know that would quickly lead to an oversupply, and a letdown so forceful that you would turn away from my chest and protest.

In your first few years of life, I got you way too many clothes. And shoes. It was fun to dress you up, and you seemed to enjoy it. But you outgrew the outfits too quickly — the frilly party dresses, princess costumes and kebaya sets for special occasions. I could have set aside more for your enrichment and education fund.

I also went overboard with buying books. While children’s books are fun to have and to hold, we have run out of space to store them. The library is where to find new books to read and return. I will remember that.

You shaped my parenting style.

I started out as a gentle parent. I couldn’t bear to scold you or even raise my voice. I would do playtime with you at 4am, even though I had to report to work at 9am. And yes, that happened a lot in your toddler phase. Luckily you were never mischievous.

After your brother came on board, I got better at setting boundaries and being consistent. Nine years into this motherhood gig, I’m definitely a more well-adjusted mum who’s smarter at picking her battles. Your brother may not know this, but he has you to thank for the parent I am today.

In fact, he may have to thank you for his existence. Had you not been such a pleasant child to care for (save for the 4am wake time), I would not have been so encouraged to have another baby after you.

Without you, I wouldn’t be celebrating Mother’s Day, or Parents’ Day as they call it now.

Thank you for sticking by me and growing together with me, though you have not much of a choice. You've transformed me in ways I never imagined possible. I am forever grateful for the privilege of being your mother.

With love,
Mummy

Estelle Low is a typical middle child who only accepted that firstborns are special for a reason after she became a mum. She's also the editor-in-chief of The Singapore Women's Weekly. DM her on Instagram (@estellelow) if you have something to confess.