Underappreciated Parents, This Letter Is For You

Dear parents, this letter, like a child, is years in the making.

You are the reason your children are who they are today, nothing happens by chance.

From the first rush of joy when a child is conceived, followed immediately by the twinge of regret at the thought of bringing life into a world beset with uncertainty and conflict.

Then comes unsolicited, often contradictory, advice from strangers, friends, family and well-wishers.

Advice flies your way fast and furious as soon as word of the baby gets out. It starts with the best position to sleep to ensure good blood flow for the baby, to whether caffeine consumption by the mother is safe or unsafe, expanding into other realms like pre-natal yoga, singing to the foetus and everything in between.

The advice, though well-intended, just leaves us parents more confused and anxious.

There is no test that qualifies you as a parent, unlike driving. When it comes to driving, there are lessons to make sure that you are not a danger to others and yourself on the road.

Why isn’t there something similar for parenting? Yet, when the baby is born, automatically, your needs as an individual give way to the needs of your vulnerable and helpless new alien on earth.

Some say that it’s hormones like oxytocin, secreted during childbirth, which stimulate feelings of attachment, nurturing and affection. Such are the mysteries of biology and the wonder of becoming a parent.

Now you are a parent, every unworthy, unprepared and overwhelmed bit of you. Those parenting classes sure sound good when you are trying to figure out why the baby doesn’t stop crying, coughing or puking – sometimes all three at the same time.

In the midst of the chaos, the baby’s gurgles and laughter feel like music to the ears, like a cool drink of water on a parched day. When the baby smiles, you feel like you have arrived at an oasis.

These are the small rewards of parenthood that are stored up for middle-of-the-night feedings, diaper changes in sheer exhaustion, and arguments on whose turn it is to clean up junior’s poop.

Parents are world-champion multitaskers

Soon, the euphoric chaos gives way to the grind. The grind of coping with baby and work. The blur of hours, which blends into days of sheer exhaustion. You lose track of which day of the week it is, let alone which month or year.

Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries whizz by as you keep grinding, and the children keep growing.

The American Psychological Association reports that 95 per cent of employees report multitasking during work hours. Multitasking is the must-have skill for all employees today.

Employers, you will find no better multitasker than a parent.

Parenting hones one’s multitasking capability like nothing else. Changing a diaper during a Zoom call, breastfeeding while clearing work e-mails, and playing teacher at home while managing a global team of project leaders. These are routine tasks for parents, just what they do on a slow day at the office.

The grind of parenting teaches focus. Leisurely coffees, lunches and after-work drinks sessions give way to takeaway boxes eaten at the desk as we work through the list of things to pick up from the supermarket on the way home.

Parents have to learn the discipline of getting things done because there are so many competing demands at the same time.

Nothing trains a parent better at planning than the logistical preparation of taking the kids out. Each time you leave the home is a crash course in logistical planning. Diaper bag, milk powder, toys and wipes. Play dates planned with military strike precision. Get in, get the job done and get out.

Parenting as a calling

No one becomes a parent to get better at work. That’s just a fringe benefit.

The calling to be a parent is a precious one that requires dedication and purpose. The purpose of raising children. To nurture and socialise them. To love them over all others.

Sitting with them as they do their homework and learn their spelling. Patiently answering thousands of questions that have been asked before while trying to hold back the urge to strangle them. It would appear that there are infinite ways to ask: “Are we there yet?”

Parenting is a precious calling that fewer are heeding, as evidenced by a falling birth rate. The need is great, but the parents are few.

This letter is for you if you do not feel appreciated or loved as a parent. It is a reminder that in staying the course, one day at a time, you are making a difference. More importantly, if you are parenting alone due to family circumstances, you deserve a double portion of thanks.

Words fall short to describe the thanks that society owes you for being a parent. For providing unwavering love, support and guidance to your children, even when you don’t feel like it.

Delayed payback

Thank you for making the sacrifice. For setting work aside when the kids need you. For taking leave during the big exams, even if you think that it does not make a difference.

The sacrifice matters. Your kids may not say it, but they are glad that you are there.

For those times that you had to patch up the kids in adolescence. Be it the wreckage of a puppy-love relationship or falls resulting in broken bones. You were present, even with hundreds of e-mails and Slack messages going unanswered.

There are days that you would rather let the kids be babysat by an electronic device. When you forced yourself to cut short the few minutes of “me-time” in favour of engaging, playing or reading to them.

Thank you for choosing the kids over yourself.

It takes years before you get your payback. When you can put your hands on your hips and say that you have raised great kids.

When all goes well, parenting allows you to build deep friendships with the children. Friendships that can be a deep source of joy and satisfaction, unmatched by material wealth, where each family member has your back, no matter what life throws your way.

It is said that the days are long, but the years are short.

This is the truth of parenting. In a twinkle of the eye, they are at university, married and off to find their own adventures overseas.

No one can predict when’s the last time you will carry your child. There is no warning, only a gentle reminder to savour your children while you have them.

There is much that we cannot control as we launch our kids into living their best lives.

Our only hope is that when we look back, we can rest easy knowing that we have done our very best. For that, thank you.

With deepest love and gratitude,
A fellow parent

Abel Ang is the chairperson of Republic Polytechnic and an adjunct professor at Nanyang Business School.

This article was originally published on The Straits Times.