Helicopter Parenting To Fatherhood Lessons: President-elect Tharman On Family & Parenting
And why it's humbling to be a Dad
By Michelle Lee SM -
Following a victory in the recent presidential election, Mr Tharman Shanmugaratnam is set to be Singapore's ninth President. But beyond the former senior minister's track record in public service, he also plays the role of dedicated family man and father to four children with his wife, Jane Yumiko Ittogi. Below, read what the 66-year-old has shared about being a father and the values he imparts to his kids as well as his thoughts on parenting in Singapore.
1. Parents should avoid helicopter parenting
While parents are understandably concerned about their children's progress in school, there is also a need to loosen the reins.
During an education conference in Hwa Chong in 2019, the then Deputy Prime Minister shared his thoughts on why parenting needs to evolve as the education system in Singapore broadens.
Citing studies in the United States on 'helicopter parenting', where parents hover unnecessarily over their children, he expressed concerns that it could have long-term psychological side effects on children. These include a "greater sense of anxiety, a loss of a sense of individuality or independence, and greater stress".
He also added that children whose parents set high expectations but are supportive do far better in their studies than those with parents who have an authoritarian parenting style.
2. The values he has imparted to his children
In a Q&A with Families For Life in 2021, he also spoke about the values he shares with his kids — one of which is about what one does rather than says.
"I was inspired by my own father because of how he has lived his life and the passion and discipline he has put into his work. He never tried telling me how to live my life," he said.
"And I suspect something of what I do, including not just the big things but the little actions each week, will eventually find its way into how my children think they should run their own lives. They are each fiercely independent but I know they watch. I’m sure they will judge what I have done too."
"There is also something to be said for respecting what our kids believe in. They grow up with their ideals, remind us of ours, tell us frankly what they disagree with, and challenge some of the things we do. That’s something I really value."
3. What family time means to him
The former DPM also gave insights into how he spends time with his children, Maya, Akash, Krishan, and Arjun.
"Time with the family is simply the most enjoyable part of the week," he let on. "Chatting with my kids, usually about their sports, listening to music together, or just talking about what they’ve done during the day," he shared.
It's also about the little moments for him when it comes to bonding with his loved ones. "I SMS them when I am on my way back home, in the hope I can give one of them a lift. Sometimes they get off the bus or MRT just so I can pick them up along the way." (Source: Families For Life)
4. Lessons from fatherhood
On a personal note, Mr Tharman revealed that fatherhood has grounded him as a person. At a dialogue session in August this year, after being asked how being a father shaped his perspective on leadership, he had an amusing response that some (or many) Dads might resonate with.
He shared: "The nice thing about being a father of four kids — whom we encourage to grow up to have minds of their own — is that it helps that you never feel too great in the family, because they are always criticising you and joking about you. So you never let success or anything you achieve get to your head."
He might have been a senior minister, and now Singapore's next President, but to his kids, he's just good old Dad.
5. Orh nee for fertility
In the same dialogue session, Mr Tharman shared a lighthearted anecdote of the research and journey he and his wife, Jane Yumiko Ittogi, embarked upon while trying to conceive. At the time, they found a positive correlation between the number of baby twins in the Yoruba tribe in Africa and the large amount of yam in their diets. Mr and Mrs Tharman then incorporated yam in their diet, often visiting Teochew restaurants to eat orh nee (yam paste).
The science behind it? Yam contains beta-carotene and phytoestrogen, which aids progesterone production and embryo development. While it's not certain if the yam helped, the couple did go on to have four kids. Here's more on the topic, and what other fertility foods to try.
6. Making time for his marriage
With his hectic schedule, how does the President-elect spend quality time with his Mrs of 33 years? "My wife and I do a lot of things together. We are lucky that we have the same interests," he said, adding that they also try to take walks together, usually around midnight when things are quiet. "I walk much faster than her because I’m much taller. So I zig-zag around her, while she walks straight. That way we can talk while we walk."