Real Mums On Their Friendships After Motherhood
Let's get real: friendships change after motherhood. Expect broken conversations and letting go of some friends...
By Terri Kue -
Friendships inevitably change after motherhood. As mothers, we have less time on our hands for a meal with the girls or an impromptu shopping spree. Instead, we spend our time catching up on sleep when we can (god knows we need all the sleep we can get).
However, that doesn't mean that friendships cease to exist in motherhood. They just evolve to fit into our lives. Below, nine mums from our #MumStory series share how their outlook on friendships has changed since embarking on their motherhood journey.
As a mum, my priorities have changed — my children come first (sometimes even before my husband; oops). With limited time and energy, I have to be discerning about the friends I spend time with and the friendships I value. For the ones that take too much from me (in terms of initiating and maintaining the friendship) and don’t fill my emotional cup in return, I've decided to let them go.
For the ones who can’t embrace and empathise with my motherhood life (eg. having to get home by a certain time to put the kids to bed), it’s definitely hard to keep the friendship alive. It takes two hands to clap, right? For now, I tend to keep in touch with friends who are mums, since we have more in common to talk about.
- Estelle Low, 35, editor of The Singapore Women's Weekly, mum of two
Read Estelle's #MumStory here.
I find I have less time for people and their drama these days - literally because I have no time! That's been difficult for me because I'm a people pleaser, so knowing that someone is angry at me—and not being able to fix it—has been hard. But learning to let go of that type of toxic behaviour has been good for me as well.
I think becoming a mum can make you face the insecurities or issues you've had as an adult and want to heal them for the better (because you don't want your kids to grow up and feel the same). I used to react to a lot of relationship issues, feeling like I was at fault, but I'm learning to look at it more objectively now. I certainly don't want my girls growing up always feeling the need to please people, so I need to show them I don't do the same.
- Karen Fong, 41, writer, mum of two
Read Karen's #MumStory here.
It took me a while to learn and accept that certain friends have to go. It’s part and parcel of life. At different stages in life, when our values differ, we just have to let go of some friends until we “meet” again.
Now, I’ve definitely got more mummy friends. I still have some of my closest girlfriends who truly respect my values, love my family, and move on with me.
I guess I’ve also learnt to filter out friends and keep those who are non-toxic and edifying, and to have healthier friendships that don’t leave me drained.
- Shireen Ho, product development for The Weekly, mum of three
Read Shireen's #MumStory here.
I've definitely not had time to catch up with friends as much as I would like to, and I do see myself engaging more with my mummy friends than I do with those who are single/have no children yet.
This is especially so when my daughter falls sick or faces a developmental issue such as changing sleeping patterns or a decline in appetite. They are able to give me advice based on their own experience. We also share milestones our children have achieved and celebrate those together.
That's not to say that it has been hard to connect with my non-mum friends - we still catch up regularly on calls and WhatsApp, though we may not meet as often. We converse on the same topics as before and I often try not to dominate the conversation with my life as a mum or gush non-stop about my daughter.
- Deborah Dayani Nanayakara, 38, senior director at a public relations firm, mum of one
Read Deborah's #MumStory here.
Because I had kids much earlier than my friends, I felt like many of those friendships have drifted apart. But I made lots of other mum friends.
Social media is amazing in the sense that you may not have been on regular speaking terms with someone, but once you drop them a DM, you get to pick up where you left off. Once my old friends started having kids, I didn't feel so worried about dropping them an encouraging DM or commiserating through the hard times. I also reached out to give away a lot of baby stuff!
- Vanessa Yip, 34, co-founder of Feng Xiang Bak Kut Teh, mum of two
Read Vanessa's #MumStory here.
As a new mum, I have noticed a significant change in my friendships since becoming a parent. Before having my baby, my husband and I struggled with infertility for years, and we found ourselves distancing from friends who had become parents. We felt like we didn't fit in, and it was painful to be around babies and families when we were struggling to start our own.
However, since becoming a mum, I have found that my friendships have become even more important to me. I have reconnected with friends who are also parents, and we have bonded over the joys and challenges of motherhood. It has been comforting to have friends who understand what I am going through now and can offer support and advice. And while there are still moments of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, I have found that the sense of community and connectedness that comes with motherhood has made it all so much better.
On the other hand, my friendships with my non-parent friends who supported me through my days of infertility have also changed. I find myself needing to be more empathetic and mindful when engaging with them because I need to ensure that I do not get carried away sharing about my daughter.
- Jasmine Tay, 36, secondary school teacher, mum of one
Read Jasmine's #MumStory here.
While the frequency of meet-ups with my friends may have been reduced, the quality of each meet-up has improved. Our topics of conversation become more personal and heartfelt; we talk about motherhood, our children, and the sacrifices, joy, and frustrations we experience.
I also feel that within my close group of friends, while it's still a mix of mothers and non-mothers, it is heartwarming to hear different perspectives and just know that there is always this group of friends who stand by me regardless of how often we meet up.
There have been many occasions where I got teary-eyed when I catch up my friends on my own experiences, journey, or any other difficult moments I may be going through. There may not be any solutions to my problems, but I truly appreciate them listening and giving me that safe space to share.
- Rebecca Sit, senior communications executive at Hegen, mum of one
Read Rebecca's #MumStory here.
I have drifted apart with some friends due to a lack of commitment and time to each other. But there are also friends who have become part of my tribe despite us not being close before.
Over the years, I have depended a lot on all of them to help raise the twins, and now my three-year-old. My husband has the most difficult schedule; sometimes he’s posted overseas for lengths of time, sometimes he simply has long hours, and sometimes he’s uncontactable. So my tribe really plays a key role in raising my kids and helping to raise them to be active individuals. They made sure the twins don't miss out on fun activities, even if I have to work.
- Kareen Lai, 41, women's fitness coach, mum of three
Read Kareen's #MumStory here.
We spend a lot more time talking about our children, partners, and about schools and education now. Even when we meet, it is often scheduled around activities with the children. This includes birthday parties, playing in an indoor playground, and going to the zoo or park - gone are the days of sit-down conversations over undisturbed meals! Lots of interruptions and broken conversations are also the norm now.
I have also made a lot of new friends who are mums and simultaneously rekindled old friendships with friends who are now mums. There is just a sort of camaraderie that connects us as we bond over motherhood woes! The best adult friendships you have sometimes only work if your children like each other too! I definitely also try to have child-free meet-ups, often after they go to bed, to reconnect.
- Deborah Wong, co-owner of Breathe Pilates, mum of two
Read Deborah's #MumStory here.