Being A Stay-At-Home Dad Was Lonely. So He Started A Community.

When Mr Cliff Tam gave up his career in information technology and being a pastor to become a stay-at-home father in mid-2019, he did not know of anyone else like him.

He loved being there for his two daughters, who were then two years old and three months old, but he struggled with loneliness and his identity as a full-time male caregiver.

Two years later, another stay-at-home dad reached out to him after Mr Tam’s wife, humanitarian doctor Tam Wai Jia, 37, penned a column in the Today news platform about being the sole breadwinner.

The two fathers bonded over a coffee date and Mr Tam, 44, says it helped him put the challenges he faced in perspective.

Around that time, his wife, a Singaporean, also suggested that he start a community for fathers like himself, but he felt he had no time to maintain it. Born in Hong Kong, he is Canadian by nationality and has lived on and off in Singapore since 2011. His family moved back here in 2019.

He later reflected on the idea and realised: “If there had been a community to just hang out with when I started as a stay-at-home dad, it would have been very beneficial for me. With that in mind, I decided, let’s just start this and see what happens.”

He launched The Ordinary Dad in April 2023, and it has since grown into a group of almost 50 men who are stay-at-home fathers by choice or circumstance. Most are Singaporeans or permanent residents and many have young children, Mr Tam says.

According to a Straits Times article in 2022, there were 14,100 men outside the workforce in 2021 who cited family responsibilities as the main reason for their status.

This was double the figure of 6,700 men in 2011, although it is not clear how many of them were stay-at-home dads.

Both numbers were culled from the Ministry of Manpower’s Labour Force in Singapore report in 2011 and 2021.

The Ordinary Dad community has a website (theordinarydad.org), Instagram account (@the.ordinary.dad) and WhatsApp chat group. Membership is free.

The group got its name when Mr Tam told his wife during a road trip that he saw himself as an ordinary dad.

“Sometimes, people perceive stay-at-home dads as having extraordinary skills and talents to love their kids. I am definitely not one of them. I struggle just like any dad,” he says.

It organises monthly meetups at the Common Ground Civic Centre in Bedok, where its members can socialise and feel safe sharing the ups and downs of their lives. These may attract 10 to 15 members at any one time, depending on their schedules.

Mr Tam says he does not intend to compete with existing fathering groups such as the Centre for Fathering. Nor is The Ordinary Dad a support group, a term which he thinks will put off some fathers.

Rather, he says: “I wanted to create a community for fathers who feel like they’re alone, to let them know that there’s someone they can talk to and journey together with.”

While Asian men tend to be less emotionally open, Mr Tam says he tries to be vulnerable during chats and meetups.

“There are many days when I want to go back to work. There are many days I’m so tired yelling at my kids because I just want a break. I’m honest about that and that’s what encourages other dads to be honest too,” he says.

The Ordinary Dad recently launched a five-episode eponymous podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. The first episode traces Mr Tam’s backstory and the origins of the group, and the second episode focuses on spanking. More episodes are in the works. 

Mr Tam hopes the podcast will present an Asian perspective of fathering, which he feels is more nuanced than Western parenting philosophies.

For instance, Asian parents traditionally provide for their children in material terms, rather than emotional ones.

However, with issues like mental illness among young people on the rise, throwing money at the problem does not solve it, he says.

“I cannot say I can prevent or eliminate mental illness. But how can I reduce it? Part of that is how children feel loved. My children feel loved when I spend time with them and engage with them.”

Mr Josiah Ng, 35, joined The Ordinary Dad as its founding coincided with his decision to quit his job as an executive producer for a media company in April 2023 to be a stay-at-home dad.

His elder son Tyler, eight, was showing signs of dyslexia and “faced issues managing his emotions”, he says.

He decided he was the one who would stay home and support Tyler, as his wife Tricia Tan, 34, an associate director in a private equity firm, previously put her career on hold for their children. They have a younger son aged four.

Mr Ng, who has been friends with Mr Tam for years, says he initially thought of the group as a means to get “life hacks, so I can be a better father”.

Since then, he adds: “I’ve grown to realise that having a community of dads going through similar seasons goes beyond that.

“It’s greatly helped with unseen things like men’s mental health, building one another’s family up and helping one another be the best version of themselves for the family.”

Mr Ng, who produced the group’s podcast episodes, is among a small group of members who will take over facilitating the community as Mr Tam and his family left for Tanzania on June 30 to do humanitarian work indefinitely.

Mr Tam will oversee The Ordinary Dad remotely, but maintains that the group should not be just about him.

He says some fathers became friends and went rock climbing together with their kids, which he points to as a measure of the community’s success.

Dr Xander Ong, chief executive officer of the Centre for Fathering, says communities such as The Ordinary Dad help normalise fathers’ involvement in daily childcare and household activities.

“This visibility is crucial in breaking down outdated notions that caregiving is solely a mother’s duty. As a result, more fathers can be encouraged by communities and workplaces to be more involved.”

Dr Ong, 39, himself was a stay-at-home dad “without knowing the term”, from the time of his wife’s pregnancy until his son was six months old. His child is now 17 months old.

“Fathers need support in navigating the complexities of parenting just as much as mothers do,” he adds.

“Fathers with more experience can serve as role models and mentors to younger fathers, helping them grow into their roles with confidence and competence.”

This article was originally published on The Straits Times.