How To Teach Your Kid About Tricky People
Most child sexual abuse cases come from people that are known to them. A psychologist shares tips to keep children safe.
By Balvinder Sandhu -
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You want to keep your children safe so it's not uncommon to tell them about “stranger danger”. After all, we were taught that by our parents too – don’t talk to strangers or, worse still, follow them or accept any gifts. However, statistics all over the world show that children are way more likely to be harmed by someone they know.
This is where “tricky people” come into the equation. These people can be anyone with ill intentions, such as someone who makes your child uncomfortable or crosses their personal boundaries. It's also a different ball game because these people are not strangers but someone your child knows.
Dr Natalie Games, clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, explains that “child abuse by strangers, it turned out, is rare”.
“More than 90% of harm to children comes from people the children already know. Only 7% of children are sexually abused by a stranger, according to Psychology Today,” she elaborates. “Most missing children are abducted by family members. Even in the off-chance the blanket statement about stranger danger rings true, leading child safety experts do not recommend teaching kids in this way.”
Dr Games quotes Pattie Fitzgerald, a renowned child safety educator and founder of Safely Ever After: “Stranger danger is not just ineffective, it’s harmful. It’s a fear-based tactic that instils absolutely no confidence in children. It makes them incredibly wary of people they don’t know and more susceptible to people who could pose a threat.”
Pattie has also given examples of cases where lost children delay their own rescue because they were afraid to ask the help of a safe stranger as well as instances in which children ostensibly over-correct and put more trust in tricky people that they do know.
So how do we teach kids to be alert without turning them into paranoid, untrusting humans?
The key is in striking a balance. Dr Games admits that adults get it wrong sometimes but “children are savvy and seem to know the difference between a bad day, a bad mood, bad timing and something more enduring and targeted”.
“Our children will look to us for confirmation and validation of what the world is telling them. Though it’s important to support the other adults in their lives as much as we possibly can, when there is an adult who is causing them harm or responding to them with bad intent, it’s equally important for us to let our children know that we don’t support that adult’s behaviour,” she adds.
Who are these tricky people?
Children don’t like to be tricked, so it’s more affirming to teach them about tricky people who give us an “uh-oh” feeling and break our rules, says Dr Games. In essence, instead of being on the lookout for strangers, we should be zeroing in on strange behaviour.
“Tricky people can come in the form of teachers, coaches, relatives, parents (their own and the parents of others) and friends. The potential is in all of us,” she explains. “The realisation that genuine risk could actually be around your child’s school or at a birthday party can feel daunting, but parents – and their children – are in control.
It's also crucial for parents to speak up when any warning signs flash in their minds. This is because, one of the main things that stops a child predator is the fear of getting caught. If they know you are one of those pesky parents who is paying attention, they are much less likely to continue making attempts with your child, says Dr Games.
Teach kids to trust their gut feeling
It's impossible to stop tricky people entering our children’s lives. However, what we can do is give children independence of mind and permission to recognise that person and their behaviour as wrong.
“We can teach our children that being kind and respectful doesn’t necessarily mean accepting someone’s behaviour, beliefs or influence,” says Dr Games. “The kindness and respect we teach our children to show to adults should never be used against them by those broken adults who might do harm.”
She recommends talking to your child about how we have to listen to our brain, our heart and our stomach – because that is how our body tells us if someone is a tricky person.
“We talk about tricky people, not stranger danger. Because in my line of work I am well aware of the statistics, especially ones where perpetrators are often someone known to the person,” she adds.
Another suggestion is to read age-appropriate books* with your child about body safety and consent. Having these types of conversations is important as it’s not about scaring them, but making sure they are aware and prepared, Dr Games explains. You should also talk about experiences and use real-life examples you may have encountered.
The importance of strong parental bonds
Note that the approach for warning kids about tricky people is completely different than stranger danger. Dr Games explains that stranger danger operated under the assumption that children weren’t equipped to manage their own safety, while this modern tricky people approach grants them agency, from a very young age.
“Often, without realising it, parents normalise strange behaviour or tricky people. 'Oh, that’s just how Mr. Lam is,' they may say. The more you talk your child out of those uh-oh feelings, the less likely their gut instinct will engage – and the less likely they’ll come to you when it does.
There are also certain types of children who could be more trusting in general and more susceptible to tricky people; the opposite is true too. Dr Games explains that there is a strong correlation between adverse childhood experiences and being open to harm. Children who are in neglectful or abusive home environments are more vulnerable to negative experiences as there tends to be a lack of a trusting or present/engaged caregiver.
A strong, trusting bond with a parent is a protective factor for children. “It’s vital that our children trust us enough to believe us as we walk with them on the path to learning about the warning signs of people who do not have our kids’ best interests at heart or who would do them harm,” she adds.
Also, tone down on frequent and unchecked use of rewards and praise as they could set your child on a path of desire to please other people. If, in order to feel good about themselves, children crave approval from other people (parents, for starters), they will find themselves addicted to the drug of approval, says Dr Games. And they will seek that fix elsewhere – from their peers as well as from people who may not have their best interests at heart.
“That’s another reason why noticing, describing and appreciating your child’s behaviour is a better way to establish solid values which guide decision-making. To be clear, an occasional enthusiastic and heartfelt “good job!” is not going to send your child into the clutches of a predator! But, there are better ways to express your enthusiasm,” she shares.
Watch out for changes in your child's behaviour
Unfortunately, tricky people can be smarter than your child and put them in situations where they feel cornered. This is when the lessons you teach them beforehand will come in handy. Dr Games states that, while we teach children to respect adults and other children (and they should), there’s something else that’s even more important – teaching them to respect themselves first.
“Sometimes that means letting them know when we don’t support something an adult in their lives has said or done, and giving them permission to close down to the influence of those who contaminate their self-esteem, their happiness and their self concept,” she says.
However, children won’t always be able to say when something doesn’t feel right, particularly if it’s in response to an adult whose authority they’ve been taught to respect or whose intentions they’ve been taught to trust. Therefore, parents should watch out for changes in their behaviour as this could be a sign that something isn't right.
Dr Games lists some examples:
- They seem withdrawn.
- They don’t want to go to somewhere they previously had no problems going (e.g. school, football, dancing). (Remember that you’re looking for changes from the norm. If your child has always had trouble saying goodbye at school drop-off, that doesn’t mean there is someone there that they are having trouble with. What’s more likely is that they’re a little bit anxious about leaving you.)
- They cry more easily than usual, or more often.
- They lack energy.
- They aren’t as interested in the things they used to enjoy.
- They have unexplained tummy aches, headaches or other pains or illnesses.
- They’re clingy.
- They’re aggressive or more cranky than usual.
- They seem more worried than usual.
- They seem more controlling than usual. (When there is something that feels out of control in one part of their lives, a normal response is to try to take control over other things.)
- They’re treating their siblings differently. (They might treat younger people in their lives the way they feel that someone is treating them.)
*Age-appropriate books to teach your kid about body safety and consent:
- Tricky People by Crystal Hardstaff
- Only For Me by Michelle Derrig
- Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept by Jayneen Sanders
- No Trespassing: This Is My Body by Pattie Fitzgerald
- Super Duper Safety School by Pattie Fitzgerald