Did Your Kid Get Bad Results? How To Handle It

Every parent wants the best for their child, and when they come home with disappointing exam results, it can be a challenging moment — especially in our particular Asian society, which seems to place an even greater emphasis on grades.

Handling this situation constructively with empathy and understanding, however, is quite instrumental in ensuring your child's well-being and future success. Here are eight tips on how to handle your kids' bad results, with insights from both psychologists and experienced parents.

How to handle your kid's bad exam results

1. Stay calm and emotionally balanced

Do: Keep a calm and composed demeanour when responding in the moment. This might take some practice initially, but it is important to let your child know that disappointing results are a part of life, and that you are there to support them — no matter what.

Don't: React impulsively with anger or frustration. This can create an emotionally charged environment that is counterproductive, that will also negatively determine the course of your conversation to follow.

Child psychologists advocate that parents maintain a sense of calm, because it sets the right tone for conversation. Children often mirror their parents' emotions, and reacting negatively can increase their anxiety and sense of failure. When your child shares disappointing exam results, your first reaction matters. Staying calm and avoiding expressing anger or disappointment reassures your child that you love and support them, regardless of their grades. Your child needs to know they can talk to you without fear of judgment.

2. Avoid blame and comparison

Do: Focus on the future and the possible steps they can take to improve. Emphasise that it's okay to make mistakes, and that everyone has their own strengths and potential for growth.

Don't: Blame your child or their teachers, or compare your child with their siblings or peers! Blame and comparison tend to achieve the exact opposite of what you would like — they discourage rather than motivate.

Blame and comparison can lead to feelings of shame and low self-esteem in children. If you want them to perform better, it's essential to create an environment where they feel safe to learn from their mistakes. 

Lin T., mother of two boys aged 9 and 12, reminds us: “They’re already feeling bad about themselves at this moment, so it’s important not to add to it by blaming or comparing them with others.” 

The words we use when responding are also very important — we need to remind them that we love them no matter what, and that their value and worth are not tied to their results. The evaluation and improvement chat should come at a later time.

Lin T. mother to two boys aged 9 and 12

3. Facilitate open communication

Do: Encourage an open dialogue with your child. Ask about their feelings, concerns, and any challenges they may have faced during their studies.

Don't: Jump into immediate problem-solving mode or criticise their performance. Give them the space to express themselves.

Active listening is key. Children need to feel heard and understood before they can accept guidance and constructive feedback. This not only helps strengthen communication, but also improves your relationship with your child. Avoid dismissing their feelings when they share, because this makes them feel invalidated and discourages future communication. Instead, try to offer empathy and practise using statements such as “I understand you must be feeling…”, giving them the opportunity to correct you if you have misunderstood.

4. Encourage self-reflection

Do: Help your child reflect on their study habits, exam strategies, and ability to manage time, etc. Encourage them to identify areas of weakness where they can improve.

Don't: Dictate solutions or impose rigid study schedules. As much as possible, try to give them autonomy in finding what works best for them, and the confidence to execute change.

Empowering children to identify their own areas of improvement cultivates independence and a sense of responsibility for their academic journey. Research has shown that motivated and responsible students are given the autonomy to make their own academic choices.

Denise T., mother of two boys 7 and 12, encourages parents to help their child learn to self-reflect. “Ask them, “How do you feel about this result?” “How would you do things differently if you got another chance?” “What is your dream grade? How can we practically achieve this?” Asking questions like these helps them to think for themselves, identify the gaps and more importantly helps them to take ownership for making improvements.”

5. Set realistic expectations

Do: Have reasonable expectations with regard to your child's abilities and progress. Understand that not all children can excel in every subject.

Don't: Expect perfection or compare your child to other children. Having unrealistic expectations can create immense pressure.

Every child is unique. Expecting them to excel in everything may create unhealthy levels of stress and anxiety for your child. Mental health experts believe that parental academic pressure could be detrimental to their children’s cognitive and emotional development, and cite this as one of the reasons for the rising Singaporean youth suicide statistics. It is therefore crucial that parents provide the unconditional love and support that their children need instead of piling on stress or worse — withdrawing affection or approval if they don’t perform well. 

6. Celebrate small achievements  

Do: Acknowledge and celebrate your child's efforts, achievements and improvements, no matter how small they may seem.

Don't: Focus solely on grades and final outcomes. It is important to recognise milestones along their journey of progress.

Acknowledging your child’s efforts reinforces the idea that hard work, determination and perseverance are valuable qualities, regardless of the end result. It also acknowledges the fact that improvement takes time, so we shouldn’t be discouraged if progress is slow as long as we’re making progress. Being able to celebrate small victories more importantly helps deter perfectionism in both parents and children, which can be highly toxic for mental and relational health. Patience, on the other hand, is a parenting virtue that you should model and impart to your child.

7. Encourage a long-term growth perspective

Do: Teach your child about the concept of a growth mindset, where challenges and failures are viewed as opportunities for learning and improvement.

Don't: Foster a fixed mindset by suggesting that intelligence is innate and cannot be changed. We sometimes unintentionally do this when we use language that implies a child is not intelligent or bright enough.

Having a growth mindset cultivates resilience and perseverance in children, helping them to navigate setbacks with a positive attitude. It teaches them to thrive on challenge and not perceive temporary failure as a permanent way to describe themselves. It helps them believe in themselves, because intelligence and talents can be grown and built upon. 

Denise advocates a long-term view: “Have your eye on the bigger picture. Do these results really matter 10 years down the road? We all know highly successful people who did badly in school, as well as ace students who haven’t done all too well in life. What’s more important is developing successful traits in our children — like resilience and confidence, the ability to think for themselves and to work hard at their goals.” 

8. Seek professional help if necessary

Do: Consider seeking guidance from tutors, educational experts or counsellors if your child consistently struggles academically or shows signs of anxiety or depression.

Don't: Wait until the situation becomes critical. Early intervention can prevent long-term academic or emotional issues.

Most Singaporean parents are not slow to send their children for enrichment classes or tuition, but sometimes this just doesn’t seem to “fix” the bad results. When and if necessary, seeking professional advice or counsel could provide valuable insights and strategies for addressing other underlying issues that may be affecting your child's academic performance. It is important not to overtax your child with even more stressors (such as tuition and enrichment classes) if they’re already struggling to cope emotionally. Sometimes, speaking with a counsellor might be what they need right now.  

This article was first published on November 22, 2023. It was updated on November 4, 2024.